Well, At Least I'll Probably Have More Time for Blogging

Things are not that good today.

I mean, ok, sure, I found out that I passed the MA bar. And even better, all my co-workers did, so that's awesome.

But after a two day fight, the Boy and I broke up. BROKE UP. It's official; I'm single. Just as I was getting used to saying that I had a boyfriend. Oh well.

The sad skinny: I miss him. Already. No, especially. We were spending a lot of time together, and spending the weekend together was something I started to look forward to. The weekends were so relaxing with him. He made me laugh. We laughed a lot. He was a good cuddler. I could trust him; he didn't cheat. He was a hard worker. He was respectable and, what's the word, he was, well, the best I can come up with is good moral fibre. Without the moral. Good fibre??

The happy skinny: He was, is, so messed up. When we got into a fight, or some sort of disagreement, instead of discussing what started the fight in the first place, he would say, I don't love you; I feel trapped in this relationship. Like, WTF. I mean, it had been only 5 months. I wasn't in love with him either, although I flirted with the idea. But whenever I thought I was in love with him, he would push me away. Even though he said I was the one who threw up walls. He never knew how to take initiative in celebrating big things - me taking the bar exam, me finding out I passed the bar exam, me coming back from europe, from asia, him taking his first class, him finishing his first class. Oh wait, that was my failure to celebrate his milestones. Ugh. No, no, no. I will not fall into the trap of what I could have done better or right. He was selfish. He's short, and has bad hair and an oddly shaped head. No, I will not fall into the trap of dehumanizing him, even though it's fun. He's lazy. He's got baggage. So much baggage, and he wasn't ready to fix them with me, even though I tried the damndest to fix my problems with him. He also was a poor communicator, and did things to retribute, and did things only after I did them.

I don't really want to say anymore.

I'm drained. I think this will be right in the end. There was so much good. But so much wrong. So while I think I can learn from this experience and move on, it's going to hurt and I'm going to miss him.

I was talking to a friend tonight, during one of my darkest moments. And he said I was a catch, and that I have a lot of affection and love for those people around me. And those words made me cry more than breaking up with the boy did. I needed to hear that. Not that I'm not loved. Sigh.