Is This the Right Way?

Without even discussing it, I cut the boy out of my life. I said, it's too hard for me, I need time, and while I hope, too, that we can be friends one day, I'm not good at that. And he's giving me the time, and giving me the space, and leaving the ball in my court to contact him. Unlike my boyfriend in college, who tried to force friendship on me, which just ended up with us in an unhealthy, spiraly, pseudo-relationship for almost two years.

But this isn't college. I'm not surrounded by countless things to keep me busy and countless people to keep me company and countless things to help me grow. This is my adult life. It's not that I don't have growing to do anymore, but I live alone, and I work at a somewhat dreary job, and I'm allergic to cats.

And while I never called the boy my Best Friend, because my BFF lives in LA and would probably be offended, he was my best friend. I spent so much time with him, and now he's gone. He's not dead. He's just off living his life, probably hurting too, but living it in a way that, right now, doesn't include me. I turned to him to tell him everything, and even when I didn't tell him, I thought about telling him. He was the first person that popped into my head whenever there was something I wanted to do. I thought about him as my boyfriend, and in my life, for months down the road. And that's all gone. So now, whenever something that last week would have made me consider him pops into my head, I'm just sad. So freaking sad. And I cry. Cry so freaking hard.

I don't begin to think that my pain is unique or novel or worse than anyone else who's gone through something similar. But to me, it's kinda new. This is the first relationship I've had in a long time, and I really opened myself up to the idea, and now, whereas I thought I was going to his grandparents for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'm not. And that's sad and lonely.

I think about trying to be friends with him while we're working through this; no hanging out, but just communicating. To lessen the void a little. But then I wonder if I'm just trying to trick myself. Because I also think about getting back together with him, even though that is more or less out of the question.

My apartment, I've never lived in it without dating him. So the first night I spent in this place, I spent it with him. That makes this place feel even lonelier.

Ok, this might be verging into pathetic territory. I need to take advantage of this extra hour (forgot it was daylight savings!) and pick up my life. Mostly by picking up around my apartment. It's disgusting.