The Ex

Friday, I had a poker party. The Ex came because, well, he plays poker and I like hanging out with him. It was a really, really good party. And then when everyone left, he stayed, and I gave him his present. And when I asked him if he liked it, he said yes, and then he kissed me.

OK, it's true that we hooked up Thanksgiving weekend. And it's true that I asked him to stay on Friday b/c it was his birthday, and I wanted to give him his gift while we were alone. But he kissed me. It was the most relationshipy affection we've given each other, even given last weekend, and even given him staying over on Friday.

Saturday was his actual birthday, and because The Ex doesn't have a lot of friends, I skipped a few other parties to hang out with him. And his ex who lives in the city. And my friend J from law school, a guy who was at the poker party and agreed to come out to celebrate.

In the end, the things that broke our relationship surfaced again. The things that made our relationship hard, they're the same in the context of friendship. Yeah, it was his birthday, and he gets to be the center of attention, but it's nice to be appreciated that you're there, especially after you pay for his dinner and forego other parties and get the waiter to embarrass him for his birthday. (Heh). Instead, you don't get a thank you, you get largely ignored, you have to put up with him flirting with his ex, you get his alcohol fueled pomposity, and when you (innocently) tell him to drink up, he says, "You're still going home alone tonight." And in my alcohol fueled vulnerability, and putting up with him flirting with his ex, I walked out. As I was silently putting on my coat, he came over and said he was sorry, and asked, are you really leaving? And I hesitated. But I was hurt and I bolted, because I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't going to make things worse, and I wasn't really having fun, and I was really tired. I'm not saying it was right.

Other things that made it hard for him to be with me surfaced, too. Like after a few glasses of wine at another party, I called him and tried to make him talk to me. Even though the ex was at his place (b/c she parked her car there).

But then he said, I guess we can't be friends anymore. It's like the watered down friends version of "I don't love you and I feel trapped in this relationship."

He said, there's no getting through to you at those times. You just won't listen to anyone. So I said, so you just say the meanest thing you can think of? Yup, he said.

It took a lot of effort working through this. But in the end, he did speak and he agreed that this would take time and work. I don't know why I bother, except that it'd suck to just end this like this. I'm sort of on the verge of giving up, because as much as I care about him, I hate being used, and I hate feeling like a rug to be walked all over.

It was a joke, he said. But it was a bad joke. And anyone with an ounce of decency and awareness would know that.

I don't know. It's hard.