A Quickie

A Quickie

There's a lot on my mind. Very little of it good. I think I'm in a bad place. I think I tried too soon, too hard, too fast.

The thing about truth is that there is only one. When you say X happened, then X is all that you have to confront and contend with. When you don't get truth, you get an infinite number of possibilities. A girl could die trying to contend with an infinite number of possibilities.

For instance, if you say, last night, I had dinner with my ex-girlfriend. OK. Then I can accustom myself to the fact that you had dinner with your ex-girlfriend, trust that nothing happened, control the instinct to be jealous and move on. If you say, last night, I was busy, then there are an infinite number of things my brain can imagine. Maybe you had dinner with your ex-girlfriend and for dessert you had your ex-girlfriend. Maybe you stayed in and watched porn all night. Maybe you bowled with midgets. Maybe you ... do you get my point?

And when that one big whammy of a lie gets discovered, it's all over. Trust is gone.

I've been thinking a lot about honesty and truth. And how difficult it is to find in people. I like to think I'm an honest person. I'll tell you how I feel, what I'm thinking, what I ate, what I fear, how many times I pooped today. (Incidentally, I'm averaging three times a day. Weird.) I probably have two real secrets in my life. Everything else is fair game. If you'll listen, I will tell.

Is it possible that I take honesty too far to the other extreme? Because maybe too honest = too crazy. And if it comes too soon, then you can scare someone off. And with some people, being too honest (e.g. I pooped three times yesterday) is just too much honesty for them to handle. I don't know.

I do know one thing. This weekend in Chicago, I realized that the only way things are going to get better is if I trust in God. I've been neglecting my relationship with God just a wee bit. Sure, underneath everything, I believe. But I don't live like I believe. And I need to start doing that. There were a 1001 things wrong with the situations I've been in lately. No wonder they were so un-soul-satisfying and I came out the other side wanting to cry. I feel great pain and sadness and longing and I can't look backwards to soothe those feelings. I miss feeling hopeful. I miss thinking and living like God has got my back and the peace and serenity that living with that belief can bring. I've lost myself, and I need to find myself again. And, for the cheesy ending, that's the truth.