One Last (Amended)

So I think the Ex and I aren't going to make it through this fight. I'm not going to go into details, but there was something about our last fight that has just completely turned him off of me. And me off of him. It was like, hey, this shit's not worth it. It's sad, don't get me wrong. I struggle every day with sadness still. It's almost like we've broken up again.

This time, though, I'm not going to talk about all the things about him that I liked or admired. Because what it's come down to is that he makes me feel like shit. And he makes me feel like shit because he does jerky things. And in his jerkiness, he's made me doubt myself. Made me doubt that I'm a good person, a fun person, with lots of virtues and great things about me. I'm a lot of fun. I'm generous. I bring people together. I'm loyal. I'm self aware and pretty mature, even if I'm very emotional. All these things I know are good things. And he's made me doubt it all. And that sucks. And he sucks. And I need to cut him out. Still sad, though.

Tonight, I was hanging out at a bar watching football with friends. We had the best waiter ever. And I invited him to come out with us tomorrow night. I think I was flirting with him. And I liked it.

Amendment: I was talking to my friend, J. He's great. He's a guy, but he's just really honest and observant and perceptive and tells me really insightful things about guys. And he noted that I'm projecting my frustration onto the Ex. And it's kinda true. He hasn't really done anything outright to hurt me, besides kind of ignoring me. And he's selfish. But he's not a jerk, and he probably doesn't know he's doing anything wrong. That doesn't make it any easier to be friends with him. At the same time, I think the self-imposed distance will be good. It never hurts. I mean, in the long run.