Refresh My Memory

This is a blog I wrote last September, before the shit hit the fan. As it turned out, one of the fears gnawing at the back of my head was true.

My Insecurities

In my deepest, darkest fears, I am afraid we have no real sober chemistry. I'm afraid that I'll be hurt. I fear he already thinks I'm crazy. I'm afraid that he's realized what a horrible misjudgment he's made. I'm afraid there's someone else. I'm afraid this isn't real. I'm afraid what I feel isn't real. I'm afraid it will be real. I'm afraid he'll get to know me better and change his mind. I'm afraid that I might hurt him.

Out of this fear, even the slightest word out of place is worthy of a 10 page dissection. In Times New Roman 8.

But, these are just my deepest, darkest thoughts. In reality, I'm happy and peaceful and calm and happy. I think these fears are just a product of my overactive imagination and my tendency to plan things in advance - even possible realities. I like to prepare myself emotionally, just in case, because then it will hurt less, in a sense. The thing I never prepare for, and never let myself consider, is happiness.

But I am happy now, and that's important.

I'm not sure this post makes any sense.

I repost this here because I've been trying to assess my current situation. Not in any psychotically serious way, because it's been less than a week, but because I keep thinking and feeling so much.

The fear that came true last fall is not even a remote possibility right now, and it's kind of nice. I mean, I don't worry, I don't fear, and I'm not obsessive. Which just goes to show, I guess, that I'm only crazy when other people give me reason to be crazy.

The reason why I'm thinking about this is because he is incredibly sweet, incredibly distracting, and on my mind an awful lot. I am afraid of hurting him. I'm also afraid of letting go. And I feel like it's close. We have already spent a lot of time together, and there's sort of a lack of mystery when it comes to his life - oh the internet, how it let's people keep tabs on each other almost 24/7. (Not that my life is full of any mystery - I'm studying for the bar.) If it weren't some sort of self-imposed boundary, I think we could be spending too much time together. And I think it's too much b/c it's too early and because my greatest fear is to have my life be consumed by another person.

But why shouldn't I let go? I mean, if I'm restraining myself unnaturally, that doesn't seem right. And if I end up having to pick myself up off the ground later, so be it. I have a feeling that it will be worth it. And it doesn't seem fair to make the decision not to let go based on fleeting impressions and intuitions.

AHHH! This is such bad, bad timing.