Gloomy Day

It's gloomy out. And it's pride. Both reasons to stop and think about all sorts of things.

There are no rules for the way life should be, right? I mean, just because something happened once, doesn't mean it's supposed to or going to happen like that every time. And sometimes you might think it starts out that way, but it's just the alcohol. But then you take away the alcohol, and it's almost better. Almost. If it weren't for the demons in your head. And for these notions of what you think you want, but really, you don't know any better, and how can you know you really want something until you know what it is.

I've always said I wanted this; in fact, I've spent the last three years telling myself I want this, trying to create it where it didn't belong, trying to fit a round-this into a square this-hole. But now, dipping my toe in, I want to snatch it away and run to the middle of the desert. Maybe it's the fear that compels me to run, or maybe it's these notions in my head of what I think I want, what I think is good (cool?), appropriate or acceptable.

I don't think I'm going to figure it out RIGHT NOW in the midst of posting this blog. But that's ok. I'm just going to ride it out a little longer and see.