Finis!

Finis!
In the end, I was overwhelmed by a sense of dishonesty and that I was being treated like shit. No, I'm not going to sit here while you talk to her for 30 minutes, to her across the country, when you couldn't give me the fucking time of day while you were there. It was just another sign, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. The camel of trust. The camel of self-respect. The camel of "I'm not seeing anyone else." There were other signs. Signs I don't need to go into. But in the end, I couldn't put up with any of it. I couldn't just do it for the fun because while the fun was good, oh so very very good, the pain was too much and it wasn't worth it. And I'm too emotionally invested to just stick around for the fun knowing that it wasn't going to go anywhere.

I blame him 95%. Well, that's what I said in the moment. I am to blame, too. For flip-flopping. For trying too hard. For not giving up when the signs were there.

This is all part of the process, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. For now. I will be back. I just have to wait for that constriction in my chest to go away.

If feelings could all just be in my head, I think life would be easier. But I hate that feelings manifest themselves in physical symptoms. Butterflies in the stomach that make you feel giddy. A tightness in the chest that feels like your heart constricting around an empty space. That same constriction welling up in the back of your throat to make you feel like you want to vomit. Oh, feelings are so pleasant.

Yeah, sometimes I do wish I were dead inside.

[End wallowing.]