Teeter Totter

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a girl?

I cheated on a girlfriend once.

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It was in high school. Her best friend wouldn't keep her hands off me and whenever my girlfriend left the room, she would keep trying to unzip my pants. One day, I was hungover and finally gave in.

(Thoughts swimming.)

She didn't find out about it for a while, and then she did, and we weren't friends for a long time, but we are now.

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It wasn't a very serious relationship. And I wouldn't do that anymore. And if it did happen, I'd just break up with you the next day.

(Is that supposed to be better?)

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What about you? What's the worst thing you've ever done to a guy?

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I once told my boyfriend, I guess we were sort of dating, that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore.

That's not a bad thing; that's telling the truth.

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Hey, let's talk about something else.

I think I'm at a point where losing him would be more painful than a relief. And now it's something I'm afraid of. I don't like this reversal of power. (I use power loosely; I know relationships aren't about power, but it's a good way to encapsulate what I mean.)

Last night, I took him to a party. And he was perfect. It wasn't a test, but...it was a little. My BFF said, you guys need to go out and interact, and not be holed up in your own little world, b/c your relationships tend to be like that. So this was a good party to go to. I didn't know a lot of the people there, but enough of my good friends were there, including one of his friends. There was an amazing view of the fireworks to make up for any social shortcomings. He was great. If anything, I suck at not being able to include him in conversations. I don't know how to talk to him AND someone else. But he made conversation with my friends.

As for the conversation above, which happened earlier in the night as we were having dinner...I trust him. So much. More than I should, and more than I've trusted anyone in a long time. The fears I have are not due to him, but just ... due to life. Due to the fact that I have FEELINGS for him, and he was that power over me. I am vulnerable. Yikes.