Mas

...

"I'm not head-over-heels for you, I'm not in love with you. But I like you and I want to see where this goes."

"That's dating."

"Yes."

"I do too."

"Usually, I date girls who are my friends already, so I don't have to guess or figure out whether something is going to work. I have a good idea."

"So why did you ask me out?"

"Because even though I don't remember the exact words I said to you, I remember having a good time with you. And I wanted to see what would happen."

...

"So what can I do to fix this? To make you feel better?"

"I don't know."

...

...

...

"Well, if you could just, you know, I know you're not looking or expecting to meet anyone, but if you do, could you just have the decency not to hook up with her and then break up with me?"

"That's what I was trying to say the other night. Just not so clearly."

"Oh."

"I wouldn't do that to you. If this doesn't work out, I still want to be friends with you."

(Insert some muddled sentences where I'm trying to say that I'm being vulnerable and it's hard and that I have baggage.)

"What?"

"Nothing."

...

...

"We OK?"

"Yes."

"C'mere."

"Why?"

"Because I want to give you a hug."

"Oh."

...

"So, there was jello wrestling last night, huh?"

"Yup."

"It must take a long time to make all that jello."

"Not really. Get some industrial-sized containers of jello and it jelloifies really quickly."

"Oh."

...

"Well, last night, at the party I went to, there were a lot of transvestites."

"Did you sleep with any of them?"

"Umm, no."

"Good. B/c you're only allowed to sleep with other women. And then you have to let me watch."

...

So I guess I'm in some place where I'm OK with this. I cannot break up with him three weeks (?) before the bar exam. At the same time, it came close. And if it weren't for the bar, I think I would have called it quits. But I like him. And I sort of like dating. Today was a bit of a wake up call, too. I think I've been selfish with him, partly b/c I think I thought that he liked me a lot more than I liked him. And I know he likes me, but I think I've caught up.

He's amazing in his own way. Incredibly patient and kind. I think he tries really hard to be a good boyfriend or whatever he is. And a good friend, and a good son, and a good brother, and a good grandson, and a good nephew, and a good cousin. He's a good person. How do I not give that a chance?

At the same time, I was at church this morning, and, like at every other service, towards the end, someone from the prayer team comes up and tells us visions or images of people they think need prayer. And if one of the images or visions speaks to you, you can go get prayer. Well, the last thing the woman said was, If you are in love with someone you should not be in love with. I refused to believe it was me. I don't love him. Not in that romantic way.

I should be able to break up with him b/c God should be enough for me. But I know I am weak and too emotionally f'ed up to do that. Also, I like this. Most of the time.