Impetuous

Impetuous

Tonight, we had an intramural volleyball game. The other team didn't show, and the refs were half an hour late setting up the net. As the supervisor was putting up the last antenna, we started scrimmaging ourselves. The ball hit the net and she said, can't you guys just wait 30 seconds? And I said, look. we've been waiting half an hour, we only have half an hour left, can't we just start playing? And she was like, don't give me attitude. And then she was in my face, and kind of tried to argue with me some more, don't give me attitude. I looked at her, and her smug Asian face, and I just laid in on her. Yes, I had had a bad day, but the real reason was because I looked at her, saw HER, and then lost control of myself. Five minutes after we were done arguing, I went and apologized. She was no less smug and self-righteous, and if I were arguing for the right reasons, I wouldn't have stood down, but I was arguing for the wrong reasons. And after I apologized, I ran to the bathroom and sobbed. Again. Because 45 minutes earlier, I had somehow fallen into the pity trap. I was pitying myself and my pathetic life and all the shitty things that happen to me in my love life. And that self-pity made me an ugly person. I can't hate my own people. I shouldn't hate anyone, but why do I hate my own people? At least tonight I did. This isn't right. And for that reason, I'm done. Done with writing about him. And her. This blog is supposed to be about traveling, dammit!