Tying Up A Few Loose Ends

So about the girl. At dinner, the same dinner where we were disucssing politics, she made it a point to say that my name, and the name of another girl, were were not on the bar examiners website. She was like, your firms must not have processed your paperwork and paid your fees. I checked your names. Yes, helpful and informative, perhaps. But then again, it was said with that same condescending tone like, your firms aren't that great. And it reeked of jealousy, despite her attempts to cover it up with the inadequacy of our employers. If my friend who is employed at a large firm and I were the types of people who rubbed it in others' faces or looked down at anyone who didn't work at a big firm, then maybe I could have understood that attitude. But I can confidently say that we are not.

So a few posts ago I talked about how I wanted to be selfish. I will again repeat that I am not selfless. Far from it, in fact. But really what I meant was that I have just not been taking care of myself, and letting social activities and other people drain me. And it really hit the fan this weekend. Saturday night, I got in bed at 12:30, falling in and enjoying the fact that I was going to sleep for many hours after two nights of dancing in 3-inch stilettos. I was just about asleep when my blackberry buzzed. "A woman I was talking to at this bar introduced me to her daughter." You know who it was.

The conversation spiraled, and the Ex basically got on his self-pity horse, calling himself a loser, saying he's been feeling like crap, needing to talk, but then also saying that he couldn't talk to me. In a way that definitely made sense. But in a way, he was doing what he always did. Drawing a line in the sand, saying I need someone, but you're not good enough b/c you're on that side of the line for some reason. And there I was in my half-drunk, half-asleep state trying to get him to open up. Yeah, I was saying girlfriendy things, but I was also sincerely concerned as his friend. I mean, he was reaching out and talking about his feelings like he never had. He put it off. But then he said, Sorry for talking so much, but this doesn't change our situation. It took me five minutes to establish that he didnt need to reject me, espeically when I was just trying to be his friend.

But the funniest thing happened on Sunday. I was supposed to go on this dinner date that I was sort of excited about. But as it drew nearer, I just kept crying. And crying. And crying. Such that I came home from the movies and basically fell apart into this blubbering mess. And why? Because of the Ex. Because he basically sucked my will to live. Because I felt like I was living through our breakup again. Because trying to help him drained whatever emotional energy I had left after hanging out with his ex all day saturday (she's a very self-centered person and can be very draining).

So I canceled my date. And I felt instantaneous relief. And I think I'm not going to date. The mere thought of becoming emotionally entangled with another person makes me want to crawl into bed and suck my thumb. Never mind that he sounds like Eeyore on the phone. And I've got enough sucubuses in my life. And I want to enjoy my friends b/c they are a ton of fun and men are distracting. And also, I'm not over the ex. Also, I've been ignoring my faith and I really want to fix that. And I have this distinct feeling that I can't when I'm in a relationship. B/c I haven't reconciled the two yet.

And fundamentally, I want to be there for people. For my friends. For the ex. For the ex's ex. All these people I love and care for, many of whom love and care for me. And the thought of being filled with God's love so that it spills over and makes me better able to love others, so that others may feel God's love...shit, that thought makes me want to live a long time. So that's what I want to focus on. And myself. And my tv. I want to get to know my TV very, very well. So actually, before I even really start dating, I think I'm taking a break. And I'm going to be more judicious about my social engagements.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not making myself some pathetic follower of the Ex for him to use and abuse. If what happened this weekend happens again, it's going to have to stop, this us trying to be friends thing. But I really think I was emotionally drained, and he, with almost a sick sixth sense, wrangled me in, pulled me down, made me weak for a day. It was a temporary lapse. Call me stupid. Call me blind. But at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm less blind and stupid than I was two months ago. Either I'm going to learn my lesson, or by the will of God, I'm actually going to be a blessing in his life.