Finally

This entry will not do justice to the enormous things that have been going on in the last several weeks.

I finished law school. It took for-freaking-ever because I had to grade exams for the class I was teaching, and so while everyone else was done and having fun and traveling and what not, I was reading bluebooks. Last semester, one of my professors told us that he would always remember us because we were the first class he taught. I think the same could be said about the class I just taught. I appreciated each and every one of them for their unique idiosyncracies, personalitiesm and problems that they brought to class. (That's a nice way of saying some of them were pains in the asses. :))


Commencement, 2005

Instead of going to graduation, I spent the day in Maine with my parents. We went shopping, drove around, ate lobster. It was a stressful day. And the teeniest tiniest part of me regrets not walking, mostly because I kind of wish I had pictures for my parents. They get so little out of my law school education besides bragging rights and less money in their pockets. But I was the one who suffered, so wanting them to have a picture of me in a psychedelically colored cap and gown is really just an I-want-to-be-a-good-daughter impulse.

From that same impulse, I am saddened by the day I spent with my parents. I wish I could be nicer to them, more patient, more loving in the way they appreciate. But I can't, because they are frustrating and ignorant and bigoted. There was just so much chatter the entire day that when I got home, I really appreciated my empty apartment. Questions about stupid things - what is that? How am I supposed to know? Or, What kind of law are you going into? Can't we just say law and not have to spend 10 minutes so that I can explain and then you just telling me that I should do something else, or do corporate law or real estate so that I can take care of their legal problems? Also, having to correct them - that's a church. No, it's a library. And the constant criticism, not just of me but of everyone around us. SO FUCKING TIRING. And I rarely get to see them, and I wish our interactions could be about more than just shopping and money and food. And criticism.


Kittery, Maine

I discussed this recently with a friend and he said, I've given up. There's just too much difference between us. And I want to give up too, but then that just makes me sadder.

So then the day after graduation, bar review started. I was logging in about 10+ hours a day doing two different courses, but now one has ended and I will be down to a more reasonable 4 hours of class time, plus additional study time on my own. My head is swimming with all the things we've covered, and with the prospect of how much more I have to learn. I'm trying not to stress about it, and I think I've got a handle on that. I mean, dumber people have taken and passed the bar, and as long as I don't sit on my ass all summer, I should be ok. SHOULD BE.

Speaking of my ass, it is enormous. I have just about given up on working out. It's affected my energy level, my self-confidence, my access to my wardrobe, and my digestion. (I've been having the worst stomach pains lately, no matter what I eat.) Next week, I start my swim class and I also have my first of two appointments with a personal trainer at this new gym. I am kind of scared to meet him because on the phone he sounded like a hard-ass, but I am considering investing money in personal training sessions, at least for a few months, because it might be what I need to overcome my moment of not-working-out inertia. I even bought new sneakers to add to the excitement of developing a new gym routine!

If you've made it this far, I've got one last item. And it's about a boy! Last night, I went to a party, and I met a boy. Today, I have that excitement that comes from meeting a new boy at a party and flirting and feeling something like a spark. Something like. It's not totally like because, well, who knows for sure about these things when alcohol is involved. But it was a nice feeling - a feeling that I haven't had since last fall. Nothing happened and no digits were exchanged, so don't get too excited. But ... I'm feeling wholish (not whorish!) and humanish after a year of being emotionally brutalized. Hooray!