BEST FUCKING NEWS EVER

Let's face it, let's be real. I'm not where I want to be. I did something the other day purely for the wrong reasons. And the situation has turned out the way it rightly should have.

So it's no surprise that I just got amazing news. And now I'm literally soaring, my heart is floating in its little cage, my stomach is on the edge of nausea out of the excitement. Two little words, in the middle of a sentence, two words. What were those two words?

STUDY ABROAD.

IT'S OFFICIAL

I'M GOING TO CHINA. 12/26-1/6. LAX-CHINA-HKG-LAX.

I'm going to be exhausted, but me and the couple I'm traveling with, we'll have a fantastic time, I'm sure. I'll be alone on New Year's though. That thought kind of saddens me...

Drunk on Sound

Drunk on Sound

I just got home from a concert. Dinosaur Jr. How did I end up at this show? Well, I got drunk and someone I was drinking with brought them up and I said, "Oh, I'll go, I love shows." I had never heard their stuff before. But I do love shows. Here are some bulleted thoughts, because it's that time of the year.

• The band was loud. My ears are still muffled and at a few points during the night, they actually, physically hurt. I'm going to the Weepies concert next week; my ears should hurt less.
• There were a lot of white men, ages 25-40. Thus, it was one of the tallest concerts I've ever been to. I had a hard time seeing.
• I loved the crowd - there were lots of older people there b/c Dinosaur Jr. was big in the 80s, mainly. That was 20 years ago. You do the math. It was pretty fun to watch middle-aged men rock out. Half the fun of the concert was people watching.
• I got drunk on music. I was quite tired, and the constant thumping of the music on my eardrums - at one point, I felt like I was in a trance. I once went to a rave (in college, on my college campus, so not as nuts as it sounds), and in the middle of dancing, also experienced this similar otherworldly sensation. Amazing.
• The members of Dinosaur Jr. (and their opening band, too, actually) were some of the least glamorous musicians I had ever seen. Round in the middle, wearing grungy t-shirts, sporting grungy haircuts. They resembled the crowd. I smelled a lot of borderline BO. Heh. It was so refreshing. It made me realize that I've been really caught up in some superficial bullshit. When you took away all that crap, it was just songs. And there weren't much lyrics, so it was really drums, guitar and bass.

I'm in a good mood, but I'm waaaaay behind on work. Fuck it all.

I did have this thought: You know how every law student is crazy in his/her own way? I mean, every professor / partner I've ever met / seen / worked with is completely nuts. And every one of my classmates has idiosyncracies - and I mean, more than the average person, because everyone's got issues. But law students are worse than most. Social awkwardness, inability to look people in the eye, inability to handle stress, etc. Then I realized, OH MY GOD, WHAT IS MINE?! OH MY GOD, WHAT IS MINE?!

My plans to visit China over break are gelling ... hopefully in the morning, they will be finalized. This year is going to be exhausting, but balls to the wall, my friends, balls to the wall.

Good night!

This Is What Happens...

This Is What Happens...

...When I go pseudo-incognito.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.

Opening Credits:
Stray Cats - Stray Cat Strut

Waking Up:
Beck - Black Tambourine

First Day at School:
Editors - Someone Says

Falling in Love:
Ms. Triniti - Based on a True Story (Mama Told Me)

Fight Song:
The Chiffons - One Fine Day (Is this ironical?)

Breaking Up:
The Album Leaf - Writings on the Wall (Rather appropriate, no?)

Prom:
Guster - Amsterdam

Life is Good:
Green Day - Time of Your Life (Hmm...because the title is happy but the song is kinda sad)

Mental Breakdown:
The Cars - You Might Think ("You might think I'm crazy, but all I want is you.")

Driving:
Ani DiFranco - Serpentine (Far too mellow and un-singalong-able for driving...)

Flashback:
The Killers - Enterlude (Kinda mystical and ethereal...)

Getting Back Together:
Trainspotting Soundtrack - Mile End ("Oooh it's a mess alright, yes it's Mile End")

Wedding:
Dar Williams - The Ocean (" And the ones that can know you so well are the ones that can swallow you whole. I have a good and I have an evil, I thought the ocean, the ocean thought nothing, You are the welcoming back from the ocean.")

Paying the Dues:
Bangles - Hazy Shade of Winter ("Look around Leaves are brown And the sky Its a hazy shade of winter")

Night Before War:
U2 - Zoo Station ("The cool of the night, the warmth of the breeze, I'll be crawling round on my hands and knees")

Final Battle:
Darin Leong - Lisa's Lullaby (No lyrics, a soothing guitar melody, hmm.)

Moment of Triumph:
Pat McGee Band - Haven't Seen For a While (Wha? I guess my moment of triumph involves making out... ha!)

Death Scene:
Men at Work - Down Under (Maybe I die laughing...)

Funeral Song:
Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl (This is pretty much what I hope...)

End Credits:
Nancy Wilson - Bicycle Kid (A rather quaint, jaunty melody from Elizabethtown Original Score)

I kind of like these.

Finals

Finals

It's really just mind over matter. I can choose to be stressed, but I will just make myself miserable. Or I can choose to be rational and not get freaked out and just accept (resign myself to?) the fact that I am going to bust my ass for the next few weeks. But I will do fine, I always do, and frankly, right now, my standards are lower than they have been the last two years. Which is handy, because the amount of work I've done is less than the last two years. But not just solely because I've been socializing a lot, but also because of journal. So there are legitimate reasons.

Last spring, I also gave myself this pep talk and things turned out perfectly fine.

I don't know why I'm having a harder time this semester more than any other. Or maybe it just feels that way. Or maybe it's not so much anxiousness over finals as it is this desire just for this to end. (I do mean law school; I'm not suicidal.)

Also, I think I'm going to do something bold that may result in rejection, but at least that will make things easier than this obsessing I'm doing. I have to do something that (relatively) mature people do when there isn't booze and "random" encounters involved. Wha?

I hate myself at times like these.

My Mood

My Mood

I feel blue. I'm not sure why. It could be because my dreams and random encounters on the street remind me of loss and longing. It could be because I'm uncertain how to move forward, if I should move forward at all. It could be because finals are looming and everyone is boring and I'm boring and I'm more stressed this year than ever before. It could be general third year angst and fidgetiness. It could be because the caramel slice I baked last week just didn't come out that well. It could be alcohol withdrawal. It could be loneliness and social withdrawal. It could be the five pounds I've put on in the last few weeks. Who knows. I just feel blue.

Lesson Learned

Lesson Learned

I knew this day was coming. I could feel it approaching. My behavior was alarming me. I was feeling smudgy and not myself and just . . . wrong.

I'm not drinking anymore for the rest of the semester.

And there's a good chance I'm taking a boy-break for the rest of the semester as well.

I just went to city hall to copy some documents for our presentation on Monday and I almost threw up on the T on the way there. I managed to keep it together for a few hours but made a deposit in a city hall bathroom before I left.

And last night, I kind of almost did something stupid. I do not know how my sense kicked in, but it managed to, despite the booziness.

I wish I didn't have to go to such extremes to learn lessons.

Thankful

Thankful

I think law school has made me an empty, vapid, soulless shell of an alcoholic.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!

Suckage

Suckage

The day started with me waking up late, 30 minutes before my meeting. So I spent the day unclean. Then I went to the student health center for an . . . uncomfortable regular checkup. When things like that happen, I usually like to be complimented and have drinks bought for me, but she was a nurse practitioner so it was straight to business. Then I took my prescriptions back to the CVS by school, but that CVS didn't have a pharmacy, so I had to walk back to the CVS by the student health center. I go inside and get in line and find that I have lost my scrips. Instead of tracing my steps, I go across the street and wait 30 minutes to get copies of my scrips, only to be helped by a somewhat nasty NP who was upset that I wanted to see the other one, the one who already violated me. "I'm sorry, it wasn't personal, I just wasn't sure if I had to see the same one again." But she gave me a refill on one of my scrips, and frankly, I can't complain. Then it was back to school for a few hours of homework (and MySpace surveys), and then to the gym. 15 minutes into my workout, I get an enormous, awful cramp in my left calf, nearly drown, and no one bats an eye. One day, when there's a real emergency and I can't self-rescue, I'm going to drown, all while some 18 year old lifeguard is twirling her hair. Anyway, it was a crappy workout. Short, really.

And through all this, I've been perseverating. And what I've concluded is this: BOYS! PLEASE DO NOT VOMIT YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST BAGGAGE OR FREAK OUT ON ME WITHIN TWO WEEKS OF GETTING TOGETHER WITH ME, IN WHATEVER FORM. I mean, telling me about your ex-girlfriends who ripped out your heart and ate it in front of you while ripping off your 'nads, well, I don't need to know. PLEASE! *I* am supposed to be the crazy one here, NOT YOU! Unless you're telling me and then following it up with, "So, the truth is I want . . . ." Because when you just throw that shit out there, well, I don't know what to do with it. Yeesh.

Here I am at home. I am halfway through a bottle of wine and I had a burrito and it was tasty and I've got a baked good in my kitchen, although it's kinda messed up, but it's there and it's sweet. So, things are looking up. :-D

Getting Ahead

Getting Ahead

Sometimes, the grander and more ostentatious a wedding is, the more I suspect it's not real. That the couple is somehow using the spectacle to compensate for doubts and falsehoods. Then again, TomKat have the excuse of promoting Scientology to hide behind.

Babies born with full heads of hair freak me out.

And, on a final note . . . I'm not feeling attachment. I'm feeling . . . something sincere. I think the key is laughter. And I didn't know it was possible for people to talk more than I do, but they exist. It's kind of refreshing. But it's all just fun, alcohol-fueled fun. I'm not sure I have room for more than that right now, socially or emotionally. I am a slave to school and the journal. Oh, the journal. Why doesn't anyone bake me a cake or take me out for drinks when I finish editing an article?

Itinerary Addition

Itinerary Addition

Photo courtesy of NY Times - Harf Zimmermann

The last time I went down under, I really, really wanted to go to Tasmania. But I didn't; I went to the Cook Islands instead. That was great. But this New York Times article inspires me to try and go during my post-Bar travels this summer / fall. So, that's Greece, Italy, Mexico, New Zealand, and now Tasmania. Umm, yeah, that's clearly a TENTATIVE itinerary.

And What Have I Done with My Life?

And What Have I Done With My Life?


Well, here I am working on my functioning alcoholic skills, and people are having babies. ANOTHER one! Joy! Welcome to the world, PSW!

















And, just for fun, a smiling baby. Yeay, happiness! Tee hee!





















And, a personal note, still happy, still chill.

You Seem Happy

"You Seem Happy."
Well, yes, I am happy in the immediate because I went to a hockey game tonight and the game was fun and the ride home was fun - sufficiently loud and rambunctious, but not obnoxious. But other than that, overall, I'm happy, too, because . . . I can't put my finger perfectly on it. But it's a chill situation, I think. Not too much pressure, besides the looming pressure of finals. I'm having loads of fun, meeting loads of people, things feel under control, feelings feel under control. My life is starting to feel like my own again. And, I'm not caught up in any overanalyzation. Yes is good, and No wouldn't be the end of the world. So right now, yes, I am happy. And tomorrow is Friday. I am scheduled to be found at the bar across the street at 6pm.

So in celebration, a photo from my trip this summer to Chicago. This is Millennium Park. I had to scan the photo in, which explains some of the fuzziness.

Oh, and the wind is blowing viciously. It's deliciously autumnal. (Although really it's summer-like -- 70 degrees and flip-flops today!) I wish I could snuggle down in bed under my covers. But I did that earlier tonight for two hours - because I went to a bloodletting and it really took it out of me! I felt drunk afterwards. Anyway, I ramble. So "Publish Post" I shall click.

Vagueness Due to Infiltration

Vagueness Due to Possible Infiltration

I feel like I'm on the edge of a crevasse. The jump to the other side is just at the boundaries of my proven abilities, but maybe that's just from this perspective, because the fear of the crevasse makes every jump seem longer. I feel good, though, and I think I can make the jump. And jumping over to the other side, well, I don't know what's over there, but I kind of want to find out. Because it's forward, and forward is good, and forward is the direction to go.

But at the same time, I feel like every time I have attempted a similar jump, I've fallen into the crevasse and gotten my ass royally kicked. The last jump, it was small, it was tiny, it looked so easy and natural. Maybe I didn't fall into the crevasse so much as get pushed in, but it was a giant tumble down and I'm not quite recovered from it. In fact, it seems that every jump I make, someone is on the other side waiting to push me down the crevasse.

When I put it in these terms, I see that the thing to do is to jump. Forward, always forward, always to discover more, new terrain. But, I kind of wish I knew whether there was someone was on the other side waiting for me, or whether that person is waiting to help me fall.

[This isn't really that vague, is it? Heh.]

Fooding

Fooding

I hosted a brunch on Saturday. I think it was a success. I served pumpkin pancakes with cinnamon butter and real maple syrup, bacon, papaya, cantaloupe, sour-cream apple coffee cake, coffee, mimosas, and bloody marys. Here are some recipes:

Sour-cream Apple Coffee Cake
- From the Boston Globe, Sarah Hearn

Topping:

1/3 c. light brown sugar
1/2 c granulate sugar
1 tsp ground cinnamon

In a bowl, combine the light brown and granulated sugars. Stir in cinnamon and mix well. (Can also add 1/2 c. chopped walnuts, but I'm not a big nuts+baked goods fan.)

Cake:

Extra butter (for the pan)
2 c. flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
Pinch of salt
1 c. (2 sticks) unsalted butter at room temperature
1 1/4 c. granulated sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 c. sour cream
2 large baking apples, peeled and sliced

Set the oven to 350 degrees. Generously butter a 13x9-inch baking dish.

In a bowl, stir together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.

In an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar until fluffy. Scrape down the sides of the bowl. Add the egs, one by one, followed by the vanilla.

With the mixer set on its lowest speed, beat the flour mixture in the batter alternately with the sour cream, beginning and ending with the flour.

Spread half the batter in the baking dish. Sprinkle with about 1 Tbsp of topping. Cover with apples and 1 more Tbsp of topping. Spread the remaining batter on top. Sprinkle with the remaining topping.

Bake the cake for 40 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. (I used a ~12-inch round springform pan and 40 minutes left the center a little doughy.)

Let the cake cool on a rack for 30 minutes. Cut into large squares and serve warm.

Pumpkin Pancakes
About 6 servings.

2 cups all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons brown sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups milk
1 cup pumpkin puree
1 egg
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 tablespoons vinegar

In a separate bowl, mix together the milk, pumpkin, egg, oil and vinegar. Combine the flour, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda, allspice, cinnamon, ginger and salt, stir into the pumpkin mixture just enough to combine.

Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each pancake. Brown on both sides and serve hot.

Cinnamon Butter

4 oz butter
2 oz granulated sugar
2 oz brown sugar
4 teaspoons cinnamon

Beat the first four ingredients together until smooth. Cover and refrigerate.

There's another recipe I found that uses honey instead of sugar - I think it might work out better b/c the butter won't be so . . . gritty. But I didn't have enough honey.

Oh, and on a final note, I could really use a quiet, sophisticated, non-binge-drinking weekend. I think it may happen next weekend when I go to NYC for a mini-summer associate reunion, female style. That is, if the stress of all this work doesn't compel me to bail.

Bar Review

Bar Review

"It's good to have a distraction or a back-up, isn't it?"

No, not really, it's not. Because that's not a fair way to treat people. And I did the "distraction" this summer and it made me kind of uncomfortable at the start, although eventually I became attached. And attached, that's not what I'm aiming for in life. Earth-shattering, epic, enormous love. That's what I'm aiming for. Distractions create angst and aren't genuine.

"Yeah, that happened to me, and it sucks."

Did it really happen to you, where you felt this instant connection, where there was such amazing chemistry that even other people around you were commenting on how you looked like best friends, but oh, they just met?! Did it really happen to you, where for a month, with even the slightest amount of alcohol and loosening of self-control, you would come home and lay on your floor and bawl hysterically? Did you feel like your whole world shifted and changed and, perhaps, came to the place it was meant to be? Did you make each other laugh uncontrollably with a single word? Did you predict each other's thoughts? Did life, all of a sudden, have, in its own way, purpose and meaning? Did this really happen to you, and you're standing there telling me it didn't work out? Don't. Because no matter what I say, that is not the assumption I'm working on. And I can't believe that something this good, this amazing, is just another sad chapter in just another sad girl's life.

I know I wasn't going to talk about it anymore, but I can't help it. I'm not lingering, but I still have hope.



A picture, just for kicks. It kind of sucks that it's sideways. And on a different note, it sounds like bombs are exploding out on the street. Fabulous for 8am.

A Few Things

A Thing

Cutest baby ever! The product of fabulous parents. The way he smiles in pictures evokes pure happiness that I am certain will carry on into adulthood. None of that "grownups smile 20% the amount kids do" for this guy. And I heart you, M. The interwebs has created this e-friendship that would not exist otherwise. It makes up for the creepiness that the interwebs has created that would not exist otherwise. I don't know what to say.

Plus One

Plus One

Back in August, as I was deciding my future, I made a list of things that made this city great. Or bearable. Well, today, I get to add another item or two. Because our state is now run by a Black Democratic Governor. And we have elected the first woman AG in this state's history (and a grad of my law school)!

It will do. It will SO do for now.

Oh, and back in August, my friend added: the best Ethiopian food north of Washington, DC. True, so true.)

Lucky Duck

Lucky Duck

I successfully baked my pound cake last night. Will post link to recipe later. I wanted to bake a second cake because I talked about it so much I wanted to have lots and lots to share with friends. The pound cake required 70 minutes of oven time. This gave me time to shower and get some other things done before going to bed. Unfortunately, I timed it poorly and was ready for bed about 10 minutes before the cake was ready. So I thought, well, I'll just lie down for a minute. You know where this is going.

About 7am, I woke up and was like, why the hell are my lights on? I wasn't drunk when I went to bed, I didn't go out last night, WTF? Then I remembered the cake.

Well, my journalees had a somewhat delicious orange-cranberry pound cake. And I'm about to go home to a charred mess. I'm lucky I didn't burn my apartment down!

"Let's Go on a Bender"

Let's Go on a Bender

Famous last words. Somehow, last night's post-MPRE party ended up at my place. This morning, we awoke, hung out, and went to Wendy's for lunch. Then for some reason, we headed to a bar. About six bloody marys and 2 shots later, the bartender refused to serve us, and, whilst still daylight out, we stumbled back to my apartment, where I made more bloody marys. And people drank their way through my liquor supply, and ate their way through a pizza I ordered.

What a day. And, well, there's a boy. It's too new to comment on or have any solid thoughts about. All I know is that . . . it's not the same and there is no replacing or substituting. There just are others.

And because I promised my journal kiddees pound cake, I am baking. I feel pretty gnarly, have no idea what's going on, and think I've fallen in with a bit of a "rough crowd." And by rough, I mean hard-core partyers. Yikes.

On Ethics

Yesterday, in the midst of studying for the MPRE, I was going to write about how I lost my wallet at the Halloween party but had it returned -- with $55 and my monthly subway pass missing. Although it was nice not to have to spend $300 replacing my locks, I was going to write, it kind of sucked to lose the $55 and subway pass. On balance, not so much, but then I was going to mount a high horse and allude to the fact that when I have found lost things, I return them, with everything intact, even if I could stand to gain from the find and not suffer any obvious, outward repercussions. This all was on my mind as I was studying for my ETHICS exam.

But halfway through the post, halfway through mounting my high horse (I'll call him "Ed"), I lost my inspiration. I mean, it's easy for me to say I won't steal, but I don't need to steal. (And I don't have a compulsion to steal, but that's a little off-topic.) It's easy to condemn the act when I have never felt worried that I wouldn't be able to find my next meal (except when driving in the depths of rural bumblefuck . . . but, again, off-topic). I've been really lucky, and there was something kind of distasteful about talking about being a privileged law student, getting drunk, being stupid, and losing a wallet and essentially condemning an employee, who had to clean up after my mess and my idiocy and spilled drinks, for taking $55. And a subway pass. (I presume it was an employee based on a note left in my wallet.) I face a potentially privileged future, and have come from a fairly privileged upbringing. Who knows about the perpetrator. Maybe s/he is privileged; maybe s/he has a compulsion. Who knows.

But, after my performance on the MPRE, I am extra glad I didn't mount Ed. Because come March, I may have to take the damn thing again! Ugh.

Chuckles

Chuckles

Miniature food. Tee hee. Click here for more.

Am taking MPRE tomorrow. Will hopefully return to verbose blogger self afterwards.

Joy and Shame

Joy and Shame

Joy: NASA ok'ed one last shuttle repair mission to the Hubble Space Telescope! Let there be rejoicing. It was due, in part, to images from HST that compelled me to study astronomy.

Shame: Today, in a meeting with students from other law schools in the area, the suggestion was made to meet at my law school. I had this instantaneous, instinctive reaction and shouted, "No, it's ok! It's a dump!" Because it is. And it's been extra bad the last few weeks. Elevators are not working - it takes 15 minutes to get to class. And the heat has been so bad, everyone was walking around in tank tops yesterday. My ass got sweaty just sitting in class. It was funny, though, my reaction. I felt ashamed, like people wanted to come over to my apartment but dirty socks and underwear were strewn everywhere, and my sink was full of dirty, moldy dishes. Or my parents were coming to visit and I had porn everywhere.