Aspiring Expat

100 (Some Odd) Days

2010-10-10T02:01:00.006-04:00

September 20 marked 100 days since my dad died. I'm not sure where this tradition of marking 100 days came from, but I think the Asians got something figured out. As 100 days approached, I seemed to feel sadder for no reason at all. Nothing sparked the sadness, I just felt extra sad. Maybe it had to do with facing up to the reality of having to go back home, but my mom said she was felt the same way, a compounded sadness. Up until 100 days, I, on average, had been coping and functioning pretty well. But as day 100 approached, I felt more melancholy. Things reminded me more of him. I thought more about him. I was frozen with sadness more frequently through the day.

I believe in God, Jesus, heaven, judgment day, all of it. I also believe in ghosts and spirits, but I don't know, like, the mechanics of it all. I heard one theory that, based upon a reading of the bible, everyone just goes to a sort of nothing place until judgment day, and everyone who has lived and died since the start of time rises at the same time. That's a lot of people. But anyway, that's one theory. But there doesn't seem to be room for ghosts of dead relatives in that theory.

The strangest thing happened to me a few weeks after my dad died. I was so torn up because I hadn't talked to him in so long. And the last time I was home, he was not. He was in China. I tried to call him, but I just couldn't get through. I tried and tried and tried for 30 minutes. I knew he was sick, and I wanted to talk to him, but I just couldn't reach him. I remember thinking to myself, well, it's Dad. He'll be ok. But he wasn't. He died about 24 hours after he landed back in the US. And I hadn't spoken to him, much less seen him, in far too many months. Yes, that's right. Months.

Guilt gnawed at me. I was inconsolable. Then, one night, I had this dream. I dreamed that my dad came back for one last day, to say things he needed to say, and to sort out things that needed sorted. Whatever they were, they were not known to me in my dream. But in my dream, I ran up to him like a guilty child running up to confess that she did something bad, and blurted out, in Mandarin, that I was so sorry I didn't call him more. And he said, it's ok. And then I woke up sobbing. It was so real. And I think it was. I woke up that morning feeling more ok than I had been since I first heard the news.

I spent a week at home after my dad died. It was a hard week, but it was where I needed to be. While I was home, I took care of a lot of business. One of the things I had to do was cancel my dad's health insurance. My parents pay/paid a lot of money for insurance. And my dad used a lot of it. I told my mom that in order to cancel the insurance, I needed to see the insurance cards. She couldn't find them, and had no idea where they were. Then one morning, she showed up with them. She told me that she was laying in bed that morning and was talking to my father and asked him to show her where they were. As she was laying there, she heard something fall off of the tv. (Aside: this tv is straight out of 1978, and essentially is a huge wooden box with wheels. It stopped working long ago and my parents have used it as a shelf for at least 20 years.) She went over to inspect, and my dad's insurance cards had fallen off onto the floor. Just the insurance cards.

Maybe it was my dad. Maybe it was God comforting my mom. I don't know, but it was powerful.

I still get sad every now and then. I'm sad right now just writing about this and thinking about him. I'll be sad if I ever have a wedding day. I was really sad watching that episode of Friday Night Lights when Matt Saracen had to deal with his father dying in Iraq. But, the things I'm feeling and will feel are the same feelings millions of other people have felt all through history and for years to come. Maybe this should make me feel pathetic, but, really, it makes me feel...human.

Stopping and writing about my feelings just overwhelms me with emotion, and that's probably one of the reasons why I don't blog much anymore. That, and the fact that I'm at work like 14 hours a day and don't even come close to daring to post from work. But, I miss it, and I'm going to try to do it more.

My Father

2010-06-14T00:13:00.004-04:00

My father is, by many standards, a complete jerk. He is distant, cold, sets incredibly high expectations, expects you to live by certain conservative "old world" values, yet excel in modern worldly ways. If you could get past all that, you would see that he is incredibly generous, damaged, hard working and entrepreneurial. He came to this country with little money and eventually made enough to buy a small plot of Manhattan real estate. At the time, that plot of real estate was in a high crime part of the city, but he had foresight, and now that land should provide for our family for a few generations, at least. He valued education, and worked hard so his kids could go to school. Yes, he is distant and cold, and yes, he shows his love through material things, but he worked damn hard to provide us with those material things. And when his kidney failed after years of diabetes and alcohol abuse, he didn't even think to ask his kids for a kidney, because he said it was his burden and his mistake and he didn't want to make us pay for it. He bore that burden, and even in illness, he seemed invincible. So it is with incredible sadness and surprise I report that he passed away yesterday.

I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I found out late this evening and am getting on a train in the morning to go home. I know I made certain choices in my relationship with my father. I intentionally set distance between us because he had a way of driving me crazy in a completely irrational and unacceptable manner. I have to live with those choices, and that's ok. He was my father. I loved him. I will miss him.

2010, The First

2010-03-08T09:46:00.004-05:00

I'm still here. I've mostly stopped blogging because I dare not do it from work, and when I'm not at work, I try damn hard not to be on the computer. I usually fail. But I'm home sick today, and I had to log in to turn on comment verification (No, I don't want your marijuana / blue cheese / web hosting, thank you) so I thought I'd pop in here and say hi.

A few quick updates? I'm still working, although every day I think about quitting, some co-workers and I are playing the lottery, the bf did indeed move in despite the bike incident, and it's been rough at times, but also nice at times. There's been trips to NC, to SF and LA and Napa and Sonoma, and several trips to NH. The bf is in school, now. I've taken up knitting and sewing, and our garden last year was a disaster. I've put on 20 pounds because working out just became so tiresome, although now I'm trying to get back in shape, which is hard, harder than it should be. I'm turning 33 in a month. Whoa.

I think I will try to blog more. I sort of miss it, and there's plenty to talk about. Hopefully I won't be violating any confidentialities that will get me disbarred. Although ...

A gratuitous shot from a peak in the White Mountains, circa October 2009.

These foreheads are just a wee larger than normal...

2009-07-22T18:50:00.002-04:00

The Boston Globe (worst newspaper ever) website has a continuous link to "Bill Brett's Party Photos" - photos that good ole Bill has taken around town at social events large and small. Clicking through them, you'd think that Boston was full of white people who are direct descendants of the Pilgrims on the Mayflower and have bred closely with other such descendants. Like, their eyes are just a bit too close-set, and their foreheads are just a bit too large. Like, one more iteration, and they're going to have forked tongues.

See for yourself.

My Belated Birthday Present

2009-05-18T23:14:00.001-04:00

As I mentioned in my last post, instead of jewelry or a sewing machine, the boy gave me a choice between a weekend in nyc or portland, me, and a homemade greenhouse. Since I've been feeling particularly homey (?), I chose the homemade greenhouse. Here he is making it:

Here it is completed, awaiting the grow lights and plants to move in.

Can't wait.

Also, the repair guy came, and it turns out that repairs to my washer / dryer combo will cost about $1165. A new machine is about $1250. Argh. I REALLY don't want to spend the money, but I REALLY enjoy having a washer / dryer in my condo.

Renovations

2009-05-13T15:28:00.002-04:00

I'm working from home today, thus the blogging.

The Boy, for my birthday, is constructing me a mini-garden - essentially a homemade shelving unit with grow-lights, etc. The herbs and veggies have all been purchased and are doing their best to survive while their home is being constructed. It should be done today. Here are some of the materials taking up space in my home.

I think it's very lovely that the boy is doing this for my birthday. Sure, my birthday was a month ago, and in the end, I had to pick my present, but still, very nice. Of course, we are planning on him moving in with me in September, so also slightly self-serving, but let's try to keep this post upbeat.

Second, I'm working from home today because I was waiting for the repair person to look at my Asko WCAM combo washer dryer that has been acting funny. It's been emitting this awful burnt rubber smell, and when I googled it, one guy was like, oh yeah, mine caught on fire. So I immediately stopped using it, and called the repair person. He looked in it today and found this in the drying vent:

I couldn't get the camera to focus on the lint. But anyways, the lint is charred, and repairdude suspects that there's A LOT more in there. Also, the circuit board was blown out. This repair is probably going to cost a lot, as one of the three parts needed alone is $200. I'd rather repair it than buy a new one, though, cuz this one would probably just go in the dump or something. Also, I'm probably lucky that nothing caught on fire. Yeesh.

That is all.

Things That Make You Go Blog

2009-05-04T08:06:00.002-04:00

The bf's family is really into cycling, and this past weekend, we headed down to NY to do the annual 5-borough tour. Basically, 30,000 and their bikes descend upon the city, and highways and streets are shut down for a 42-mile bike ride. Last year was super fun, but super super hot as it was 80+ degrees and sunny. Yesterday, it was 50-something degrees and rainy. Also, the bf and I invited two friends from Boston, and a friend of mine from my B-maw days came up for a mini-reunion and bike ride.

Things were going great for about 30 miles. We were all happy, the rain wasn't that bad, and the cycling was keeping us warm. We didn't have any flats, and although some were slower than others, we were staying more or less together.

Around mile 30, the rain picked up, and we rode on a stretch of highway with no protection from trees or buildings. We just plugged along, getting drenched, literally, as puddles accumulated in our shoes, and rainwater dripped down our (my?) ass cracks. The bf's mom and uncle went ahead; but the bf and I would stop and keep track of our/my friends.

The very end of the ride is over a bridge - a sort of long bridge into SI that is a bit of an uphill trek. My friends and bf and I regrouped right before the bridge and then went over, I think with the unspoken understanding that we would meet at the end on the other side of the bridge, as we had every other time. The bf's mom and uncle finished five minutes before us, my friend from md finished five minutes after us, and we all managed to find each other with our cell phones and found refuge under the tent.

Now at this point, I was already very very very cold, and my low blood sugar and fatigue and, as it turns out, mild hypothermia, were making me very upset. And all I could think about towards the end of the ride was how cold I was, and how, yes, I was prepared for the weather by packing a rain jacket, but how the bf's mom had taken that rain jacket at the start of the ride and never offered to return it and had disappeared by the time the rain really picked up. And I was pretty sure that if I had that rain jacket, I would be warmer, b/c it would both keep me dryer and keep the wind off of me.

And as we were standing around at the end of the ride waiting for our last two friends, did she ever offer to give me the jacket back, even though I was shivering my ass off? Nope. And did I have the cajones to ask for it back? No, of course not. Her hypothermia was already worse than mine as her lips were definitely without color and turning a caribbean shade of blue.

After several minutes, we were sure our friends had finished and should be reuniting with us so we could get out of the rain. However, when I finally reached them on the phone, they had stopped for a hamburger and were wandering around the festival. I immediately told them to find us, so we could leave. they finally meandered over to us, and we headed towards the exit.

As we were leaving, I told the bf I couldn't feel my feet. And I was afraid of losing my toes, not being able to find the word for it, frostbite. I asked if it was possible to lose one's toes if it wasn't freezing out, and instead of answering me, or giving me any sympathy, he says, yeah, I can't feel my hand. Neither could I, but I was trying to keep it light, and allay some fears, as I knew we were all fucking freezing and soaking wet.

Somehow, as we were leaving the exit, the stragglers lost track of us and fell behind, and when they finally made it out of the crowded exit (30,000 wet bikers, trying to exit through an 8-foot gap in the fence) they followed the masses and went left instead of right as we all had. A few phone calls later, and they still couldn't find us. We had now been standing in the rain about 15 minutes. And the bf, his mom and uncle sought shelter under a highway overpass. Leaving me and my friend in the rain to wait for OUR friends. OUR friends, who the bf is so effing intent on inviting everywhere because "everything is more fun with more people." (And yes, sometimes I want to yell, "then go out and make some effing friends.")

When he called them one last time and wouldn't answer, he and his relations all wanted to leave them. HELLO? IN STATEN ISLAND? NONE OF US ARE FUCKING FROM THERE! I gave them one last call, seeing that they had called literally the moment before and the effing bf missed it b/c he had so callously put the phone back into his backpack, from whence all sounds could not escape. Finally getting a hold of each other, I told them where to go and then to call again when they got to the place we were standing, b/c we obviously could not wait 10 minutes for them to bike back, b/c we would have all died of hypothermia from standing around.

Let me pontificate here for a moment. I realize that hypothermia is a worse condition than being lost. No one would have died in nyc from being lost. My friends are not dumb. But then again, the instinct to "just leave them" is disturbing. There are a thousand ways to solve the situation, but "just leaving them" certainly should not have been one of them. Tell me if I'm wrong.

When we biked the last 10 minutes to the meeting point, the bf's mom finally asked me if I was cold. I looked at her, did my best not to attack her, and said yes. She offered me my rain jacket back, but at that point, I just said, keep it...while fighting the animal instinct to rip her head off and crawl into her carcass. Seriously. As the hypothermia got worse and worse, I could see myself getting angrier and more ... animal. Losing all sense of reason, except the one reason that I knew I was losing my sense of reason.

And the bf? I realized that he is even MORE of a momma's boy than I had ever thought. He stood there, rubbing his mom, trying to warm her up. Later, he said, yeah, i was really worried for my mom. And me. And I was like, umm, hello? He was like, you were cold? I'm like, didn't I tell you my feet were numb? He said, oh, you didn't tell me that until later. Yeah, but certainly I told you before you told me about your hand.*

*(But no, whenever I say something, he has to counter with his own ill, forgetting mine. It's like, he doesn't think to say it until I do, but really, at that moment, why can't it just be about me? I mean, it wasn't like I didn't ask him about his hand and not care about his hand, but sometimes, when I say something, I wish he would just focus on what I was saying, and not try to steal the spotlight, b/c obviously, whatever he was thinking or feeling wasn't significant enough to mention until I mention it first. God, it's so annoying.

Finally, help arrived, with dry towels, and the bf's mom crawled into the car. The stragglers found us, all was fine. We had pizza.

The night before the ride, HOWEVER, b/c there's always a however, we all got sauced. Sangria, Celtics game, beer. And at one point, the bf's mom was like, I'm sleeping in this bed, and I don't care about anyone else. I was so mad. I couldn't believe it. I mean, sure, this woman had always been nice to me, but then her true colors come out when people who her son isn't shtupping come around? It wasn't even her house! No one was ASKING her for anything. And if she's so good at taking care of herself, how come a fucking grown woman with three grown kids who's A NURSE didn't know that if she was getting cold, maybe she should stop standing still and do some fucking jumping jacks? Or did she like it when her son and the universe stopped to take care of her? And the next time she tells me she can't wait for grandkids, I'm going to ... well, I need some help on this one. Submissive Asian girl over here would probably bow her head and open up her legs and hand someone a turkey baster.

In summary, what's bothering me is that I'm potentially getting into a family that is, at its core and in emergencies, incredibly selfish and self-preservationist. Why was it ME who had to stand between the family and the friends, keeping facts (like the hamburger) from the family and the one who had to navigate a foreign island so the friends wouldn't be stranded by the family? The bf, too, is selfish, self-preservationist, and a freaking momma's boy. VOMIT.

I, by no means, was perfect. I was snappy, wanted to kill people, and break up with people, etc. But I like to think my girl scout training kicked in and helped me be effing proactive about the situation AND manage the situation without anyone dying or being stranded. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me if I'm wrong. Because I'm having serious doubts here, and the bf is supposed to be moving in this summer.

Echinacea

2009-03-19T10:59:00.002-04:00

It's the oddest thing, really. Every time I take echinacea, I get sick. I have this bottle of echinacea that is several years old. I know, not the best. But I bought it back before law school when I was teaching taekwondo and living with my parents. And I started taking it back then on the advice of a co-worker. See, working with kids, kids who weren't mine, made me sick all the time. They showed up from various corners of the community covered in snot, both theirs and their classmates, and then rubbed that snot all over themselves and over me. And teaching taekwondo to kids is a very hands-on job. Kids just aren't going to figure out how to do a proper roundhouse kick without hands on legs showing them how to do it. And giving a little support. And the kids never came in with their belts tied properly, so you had to stand in front of them and tie it. And then, of course, kids would sneeze in your face.

So, the echinacea, b/c I was told, guaranteed, that it would work. And yet, whenever I took it, I got sick. So I stopped taking it. It was hard to be sure if the echinacea was making me sick, or if I was just getting sick because of all the germs, but I stopped taking it, just to be safe.

And here I am, four, five years later, with that same bottle of echinacea. Not one to throw things out, I decided to finish the bottle. And yet, yesterday, the day after I took the echinacea, I was sick. Sick as a dog with an unidentifiable illness. Part cold, part food-poisoning. But all sick.

I threw that fucking bottle of echinacea in the trash. And may I never use that word on this blog again because i've used it like 1000 times already. Damn that stuff to hell.

Something New

2009-01-20T17:10:00.002-05:00

I, like many Americans, have have countless hopes and wishes and wants that I want to see accomplished during Obama's presidency. But there is nothing more I want than to see Native Americans given their legal rights and recognition that they have been denied since this nation was formed. You might think that their abuse ended after we took their land, and made them march to their deaths across the South, but to this day, they are being denied their legal rights, promises made in signed treaties by leaders of this country. It is appalling. Here is an article that I liked.

I Am Sick

2009-01-19T16:54:00.002-05:00

And there you have it. Laid up on my couch with the chills and aches. I've also got some nasty gas, and am worried that I have a stomach thing again. Ugh, that was the worst.

Economic Reality

2009-01-15T22:19:00.002-05:00

During the last economic downturn, the one after 9/11, I was in grad school.

During the economic downturn before that, the dot-com burst, I was just leaving college and entering what essentially was a government position, in research. It paid crap.

During the recession of the 80s, I was a kid, and I cared only about football cards, soda, stickers, maybe the cute boys in my class, and my banana-seat bicycle with one pedal. Food showed up on the table. My parents went to work everyday. It was fine. Sure, now I know that we moved every year probably because my parents couldn't make rent payments, and their business was barely making money.

During this economic downturn, I'm worrying about getting laid off...and more significantly, watching my friends get laid off.

Yup, it happened this week. Although we all saw it coming, it was, in the end, rather sudden. My friends are both optimistic, worried, relieved, practical, realistic, and sad. The ones who are left behind feel betrayed and depressed. We were rather close. And we all chose this place because, well, for different reasons, but for a lot of us, we passed up more prestige to be part of this family. Sure, in the end, it's a law firm and no one is safe, but it did feel like a family, that they cared, that they'd do the best to bring us to our potential and either have us make partner or send us out into the world to continue growing the network of firm alumni.

Yeah, I guess I drank the kool-aid. And now it's worn off. Or they've given us the red pill. Or insert other slightly inaccurate pop culture reference here.

Like I said, we all saw this coming, and given the state of the economy, it's not that surprising. But it could have been done with more tact, more warning, more respect.

And in the end I can only say so much for my friends and colleagues who were laid off. I can say this about me. I feel like a fraud. I feel like if anyone should have been laid off, it should have been me. I have made so many mistakes and made so many bad impressions. And I have parents whom I can fall back on. I mean, they own a bar. People definitely drink through recessions. I feel like if I could, I would step up and swap places with someone. I feel bad. I feel guilty for exhibiting these bad feelings because I feel like my friends have it so much worse. I have survivor's guilt.

Can't I go back to the time when I just worried whether my parents would be able to buy me shiny, pointy new crayons?!

A Few NYE Pics

2009-01-03T01:08:00.005-05:00

My place before.

Another view.

A picture of the Boy and Me.

The morning after - not so happy.

All our hot air frozen on the window.

2009 Resolutions

2009-01-03T00:56:00.002-05:00

So cliched, but I gotta document them somewhere.

1. Go to the gym more often, at least as much as I did before Thanksgiving. I've put on poundage, and it's sad, because about a year ago, I was like a size and a half smaller. :( Think I'm going to take up yoga in addition to spinning.

2. Have more intimate, deep and meaningful conversations with friends. I seem to end up in a lot of short, easily-distractable conversations with friends at bars. There are people I've known for over a year and don't even know what they do. Lame!

3. Be nicer to the boy.

4. Be happier at work.

5. Spend less, save more.

I Hate Winter

2008-12-29T01:17:00.002-05:00

I've decided that I hate winter. Sure, I'm getting crotchety in my old age, but what good is there in winter? Christmas is but one day, and it breeds greed and materialism. New Year's is nothing but a drunken mess. Those two days aside, winter is nothing but three to six months of long drawn out misery. It's cold, being outside is miserable and causes physical pain. Heating costs skyrocket. Said heating causes dehydration, causing skin to crack and bleed. People die under such conditions.

To make matters worse, people, especially those nut jobs in New Hampshire, like to go out in this weather and engage in activities categorized as "winter sports." Not just skiing and/or snowboarding, but snowshoeing, winter camping, ice fishing, ice skating, anything that starts with ice... ARGH! I hate winter. Bah.

Black Friday

2008-11-28T21:04:00.005-05:00

Despite being afraid of losing my job and this economic crisis that I am finally old enough and mortgaged enough to understand, and despite the insanity going on in Mumbai, I went shopping today, on the blackest Friday of the year. Here are my purchases:

Western Digital 320 GB External Hard Drive; might have to return it for one I can network, if this doesn't work that way.

Black & Decker Convection Oven from Kohl's. It was discounted even further because it was an early-bird special. Thankfully, Kohls extended their specials until 3pm!

Targus laptop fan. $9.99 from Staples. Staples had great deals. It was amazing.

I can't find a picture, but Target was selling Christmas tree ornaments - balls that were filled with candy. I got two of the tootsie roll ones for the boy's mom because she loves them. They were $1 each and we gave them to her today.

I bought a few more things but nothing important. Honestly, the sales weren't that great, and the stores weren't that crowded. Except that one Wal-Mart in Long Island, apparently, where people were so crazed they broke down doors and crushed and killed an employee. A temp employee, nonetheless, contracted to work through a temp agency, so Wal-Mart probably isn't even liable for worker's comp. That was the least shocking part of the whole story. Alas.

Not that Bad, Really.

2008-11-28T20:58:00.003-05:00

If you know me at all - and let's face it, if you're reading this, you know me - but if you know me at all, you probably know that I have issues with my family. I don't get along with them, find them to be racist and closed-minded, insane, and not in a good way, and overbearing and the mere thought of them gives me heartburn.

You will also probably know that my romantic life is something they know very little about. Then again, I have had very little romantic life until now. I mean, I'm not exactly going to tell my parents about random hookups and what not.

Even if you don't know me, if you are reading this, you will probably understand that having dinner with the fam and with the boy tonight, all together, in one room, at the same restaurant, at the same table, sitting together, was kind of a big deal. BIG HUGE F'ING DEAL.

But look. I'm here blogging about it and haven't used any cuss words directed at anyone in particular.

It really wasn't that bad. I would even venture to say it was pretty good and even as we were parting ways, I pictured in my head doing it again. A second date, if you will.

The boy found the family to be pleasant. Granted, he hardly understood half the conversation because try as we might, it was mostly in Chinese. But there's something about him meeting my family and approving that makes me think, ok, fine, they're not that bad. They are good intentioned. They are generous. They were welcoming and it was almost as if the boy had to approve of them more than they had to approve of him. They were all this, on top of the racist, closed-minded, insanity. But it wasn't that bad.

A Sad, Sad Day

2008-11-05T13:42:00.004-05:00

This is a picture from the LA Times of people cheering Prop 8 results. The picture does not indicate which results they were cheering, but given the results, I'm going to guess that these people are closed-minded, bigoted, fear- and hate-mongering, hypocritical, awful people who purport to believe in the same God as I, but are horribly, horribly wrong about that God.

My BFF and his HUSBAND are no longer married. Overnight. Like that. Taken away by these people who have no right to do such things. Taken away by miserable people whose own lives are probably unhappy so they must rain misery down on others.

If it were a certain time and if I were a certain type of person, i.e. more like them, I'd hunt these people down and kill them. That's how awful this is. I'd be happy with the ability to slap a few Californians upside the head right now. Unbelievable.

But GOBAMA.

Halloween

2008-11-01T12:07:00.002-04:00

Three hundred sixty four more days until next Halloween, and the next time I have to find every reason not to go out. I am officially old, but not old enough where I dress up kids and take them trick-or-treating at 2 in the afternoon. I just hate this holiday. Without kids, it just seems like it's an excuse to get dressed up like tramps and get wasted. Slutty pirate, slutty nurse, slutty soldier. Really? And I can't deal with the hangovers anymore, and the only purpose for adults in my situation is to go out and get wasted. (And let's face it, I can get on a high horse, but not a horse so high that I won't get wasted right along with everyone else.)

Jon & Kate Plus 8

2008-09-17T21:22:00.002-04:00

When I first happened to watch this show a few years ago, I quickly turned it off. Kate was a bitch, and the kids were so young at the time that it wasn't that interesting to watch babies getting fed and changed and taking naps. I happened to catch the show again a few months ago and the sextuplets are now about 4 years old and they have personalities and they talk. And they are downright ADORABLE. Kate, however, is still a bitch. And I think she treats her husband awfully, but I guess it works for them, and he snaps back, too.

So I started getting obsessed a little with the show and did a google search and came across this blog, written by Aunt Jodi's sister. Yes, I had thought it was weird that Aunt Jodi, who is Kate's sister-in-law, wasn't around anymore. Turns out, the production company offered to pay Aunt Jodi some money, but Kate didn't allow them, stating that no one could profit off her kids. The hitch is that Kate didn't allow anyone to tell Aunt Jodi about this. A few seasons later, the production company approached Aunt Jodi directly and offered money. She then found out about the prior offer, and again Kate asserted that no one could profit off her kids (except herself and Jon). And so Jodi's off the show.

I have decided to boycott the show. First of all, have I made it clear? Kate is a bitch and she's difficult to watch. I feel bad for the kids. She yells at them FOR BEING KIDS. Hey, Kate, kids are meant to get dirty. They will never again in their lives have so much fun and care so little about getting dirty, even if you weren't in their lives. Second, what a hypocrite!! I mean, all of a sudden Jon and Kate are rolling in money, getting plastic surgery and other cosmetic procedures done, taking vacations to Hawaii and the Outer Banks. Umm, where is this money coming from? Why not spread the wealth a little bit, spread the blessing. But no. Third, Kate's a bitch and she's hard to watch. She has a personal chef and people who do her laundry, and she bitches and moans about all the work. Fourth, it's a little scary. How do the cameras not affect the kids? Maddie, I'm sorry, she's a child, but she's spoiled and snarky and totally acts up for the cameras. Eew. Also, have I mentioned, Kate's a real bitch. And Jon ain't no wonder either.

I Think About You in the Summertime, and All the Good Times We Had, Baby

2008-09-13T08:23:00.001-04:00

OK, first of all, those are lyrics from the first single of the new NKOTB album, Summertime. Suck it up. (Whoo, concert on Sept. 26!!)

Anyway, this fall weather is getting me sentimental for the summer. Not the hot, sticky, sweat-dripping-down-your-legs, suffocating-from-scent-of-hot-urine-in-the-subway-stations summer. But the it's-ok-to-skedaddle-from-work-at-2-to-beat-the-traffic-to-the-Cape summer. Not that I really went to the Cape that often. Just once. But I did go to Bar Harbor, West Palm Beach, the Outer Banks, the White Mountains of New Hampshire, NYC, and Montana. Not to mention a few trips down to Jersey, and a 100-mile bike ride across the Garden State. I think that covers it.

So I guess even though I'm no longer basking in the post-bar exam glow (and nightmares) by skedaddling myself all around the globe, I've had a pretty damn good summer.

I think it's time to hunker down this fall, stay in town, and drink lots of beer and eat lots of wings so that I can get some extra padding to keep me warm through the long New England winter.

Oh, wait, no. There's this thing called "winter camping" I'm supposed to discover. What the hell? How do you build a fire and roast s'mores in 14-feet of snow?!?!!

I Don't Like Republicans. Or At Least, Republican Values.

2008-09-04T09:05:00.003-04:00

I, like many people, watched Sarah Palin's speech last night at the RNC. I also caught part of Giuliani's speech. During both, I was shocked and disturbed by the crowd chanting "Drill, baby, drill," referring to drilling in ANWR. To me, this is disgusting. To me, this is Republican inability to see two sides of the issue. To me, this is mob mentality, the same kind of mob mentality that creates groups of people who watch someone get beaten up without stepping in, the same mob mentality that would stone a pedophile. It's sickening. OK, the environment is not a human life, but then again, human lives are more fleeting than the natural world.

Look, I like cars as much as the next person. And I understand that we need oil until we can come up with a viable alternative. But to be so cavalier as to chant during the convention like that. Ugh.

The less shocking but equally disturbing thing I, as many have, observed, is this Republic hypocrisy. If Chelsea Clinton got knocked up, now, much less at 17, oh boy would the Republicans be having a field day. And in Palin's speech, I also observed the Republican tendency to point fingers, to sling mud, to twist the truth. No, Obama did not serve his country by joining the military. But then again, he was born and raised in an age when it was not as expected, nor was it as urgent. But that didn't stop him from serving the people. Sure, it was the people of Chicago, but they are part of humanity nonetheless. I don't think that should be discounted, just because he didn't grab a gun and go shoot Communists in Vietnam. And in Obama's speech, he also made a promise to cut taxes. Increased government spending? Hello, have you looked at the size of the deficit Bush is spending? Winning the war in Iraq? What about funneling some of that money to help the "working Americans" you were so busy touting up on that stage. So F you. And anyone who got caught up in that is an idiot. I don't like Republicans. There, I said it.

IMG00001.jpg

2008-09-02T23:59:00.003-04:00

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

New Blackberry, New Bangs

Tivo Redux

2008-07-24T10:42:00.002-04:00

Ever since I got my fancy new HD tv in November (thanks, Dad) I have let my Tivo sit unplugged. There was no point in recording shows in RD (regular def) becuase they were too grainy to watch. So I paid $12.95 extra and got the Comcast DVR. And it was ok. The interface sucked, but it kept me from shelling out $400 for an HD Tivo.

Well, when I finally got around to canceling my Tivo account, they talked me into getting an HD Tivo at a discount, with the same subscription plan I was on. And I bit.

Well, after it sat in the box for a few days after I brought it home, I finally got around to installing it. And I realized then, at 11pm at night, that the HD Tivo doesn't hook up to a cable box, but needs cable CARDS. So then I called Comcast the next day and one week later, the Comcast guy is currently sitting in my living room trying to get the EFFING thing to work. He got here very early (i.e. on time) and it's been two hours. He thinks it's a bad card. But really?! This is RIDICULOUS! Also, because he's going to take the box away, I don't get On Demand anymore. And while I hate Comcast, and the interface on its DVR (which they recently updated and is slightly less awful), On Demand was pretty freaking cool. I have passed many hours watching back episodes of N3mbers and CSI.

I think I regret my decision.

Question of the Day

2008-07-07T20:24:00.002-04:00

Am I high maintenance because I'm annoyed that my boyfriend never buys me anything, or does that make my boyfriend a bad boyfriend?

I really mean never. oh, there was that robe he bought me after I sent him the link and said, BUY THIS FOR ME. And the beer coozie he got me from the dollar store before vacation.

So, which is it?

And while we're pondering options here, am I unhappy because I work 12 hours a day, at least, or because my relationship is unsatisfying?

Skipping Over that Part

2008-06-26T21:51:00.003-04:00

I've been meaning to blog about my vacation, but I haven't been able to write anything coherent that does the trip justice.

But I am able to sit here and pour out my angst. Because you see, tonight, I told my mom that I had a boyfriend. And I know that when my dad got home 20 minutes later, she told him. I'd been avoiding talking to them for over a week because I knew that the next conversation we were going to have, I was going to tell them about the Boy. Why? Because my cousin is getting married in August in Montana and I want daddy-o to buy him a ticket so that he has to endure what I endured last week. Or a more twisted, dysfunctional version of last week. Perhaps. But again, that's for another time.

And now I'm sitting here all worked up. Why? I don't know. There was something about my mom's voice, the happiness, that I could hear her already naming my grandkids and thinking about what they look like and the toys she would buy them, etc etc. In fact, she even said that she might go to this wedding, despite the fact that she hates that whole side of the family. JUST TO MEET THE BOY. On the one hand I'm glad that I can bring my family together, on the other, I want to crawl under a rock (with the boy) and die. Or live together in ignorant, rock-covered bliss.

I think there's also this sense that I'm afraid of disappointing them. They get their hopes up, imagine their grandkids, and then one day, I'll have to tell them that it's over. This, of course, is completely me projecting my fears onto them, but reflecting off of me. Or something. Because I don't think they will worry about this. But I do. Not just because I don't want to disappoint them, but because I think a part of me is afraid that this relationship will end. And while there are some things that need improving, I love him and ugh the thought of even breaking up with him freaks me out. Which begs the question, why am I even thinking about that?

Bleh.

In other news, working until 7 has become the norm. In fact, leaving at 7 seems early.

Inanity part the ??

2008-06-12T00:48:00.002-04:00

Last night at work, I was put in charge of putting some binders in a box and FedExing it all to counsel in some other state. The binders were being put together by the copy center, and the attorney who assigned me this task - b/c he had to go to the baseball game - said, these binders don't fit in a standard fedex box. Ask your secretary to get you a box. I had no idea where they were, so I decided to follow his instructions.

It was 4:30 at this point, and I saw my secretary putting on her jacket and getting ready to leave, as she usually does around this time. So I called the floor coordinator secretary who helps solve these types of overflow situations. She was out that day, I forgot, but after I explained to the floater secretary filling in for her exactly what I needed, she said, call Bob, because Bob was filling in for the floor coordinator. After explaining to Bob what I needed, he said, call the night secretary, Sue, at 5pm. At 5pm, I called the night secretary, and after explaining to HER what I needed, she said, call the copy center; they'll bring you one.

And they did. Quite quickly and efficiently.

Sometimes, I am surprised at how hard it is to get things done at work. You'd think we get all this money to get all sorts of stuff done, but really, we're completely inefficient and retarded.

Work has been SOOOO busy. Thankfully, I'm leaving on vacation tomorrow. Florida, then the Outer Banks.

Oh, and the Boy and I...the L word has officially been used. The first time was a few weeks ago. We're definitely much more comfortable with it now. We are so retarded, too. But at least no one pays us to live.

My Less than Appealing Side

2008-06-09T23:19:00.002-04:00

Some people might call me one of those people. You know, one of those greenies who thinks she's better than everyone else b/c she takes public transportation, doesn't own a car, recycles every piece of trash possible, etc. etc. But I have discovered that there are corners I'm willing to cut and not feel too badly about.

First, when the boy drives me to work. Sure, there's a bus that goes from across the street from his house to downtown, where I can take another bus or train (or two) to my office. But I do not hesitate to let him drive me to work. First of all, it cuts like an hour off my trip. Second of all, he's not a morning person. But these are just excuses.

The second area of my life where I do not think twice about the size of my carbon footprint is air conditioning. When it is 96 degrees, as it was today, I do not hesitate to run my air conditioner all night. It's awful. I'm an awful person. I will stop looking down on others for not recycling.

Another area of my sinfulness is my materialism. In the last several years, I have developed a very strong sense of materialism. Sure, it's always been there through my youth and even in my least material days (college? New Zealand?). But lately, especially as I've been earning (relatively) serious amounts of disposable income, it's gotten worse. Part of this materialism has been an appreciation for fine jewelry. I never really cared. I never really wanted. But now, I care and I want. A few years ago, my mom gave me this pearl earring / necklace / ring set. It was tacky as hell, except the necklace. But somehow, in the last year or so, the earrings have become more tasteful-looking to me. Unfortunately, somehow, I've lost one of the earrings. I don't know how. And it's eating me up. I need to remember, though, that it's just an earring. It won't last. And I view it more as a lesson of how not to be materialistic and to put value and worth in material objects. They all disappear one way or another. But while I can somehow take comfort in the lesson here, there is one thing I know - I will never tell my mom that I lost the earring.

Question of the Day

2008-06-05T11:25:00.000-04:00

When did Jewel become a country star?

A Free Night ?

2008-06-03T22:59:00.002-04:00

I had big plans for tonight. Skip the gym to run some errands, make some phone calls, write a long blog. But I forgot what I wanted to write about.

But I did get to make a phone call or two. One to my friend E in LA. Turns out, she's not deporting herself! She was going to take her green-card bearing Mexican boyfriend, his 14-year-old daughter, and jet off to her Singaporean homeland, his Mexican homeland, and China, to decide where they were going to settle their little international non-traditional family. She had set a date of June 30, but sometime between my last visit to LA and today, she decided not to do that. THANK GOD. Because of her indeterminate status, she would not be able to return for 10 years. Ack.

Now, instead of a whirlwind weekend to LA at the end of the month (red-eye out, red-eye back) the boy and I can plan a nice leisurely visit to LA. The boy! Yes! After weeks of constant fighting (mostly started by me) and one very long serious conversation (in which I told him that I talk to him and turn to him more than the BFF (gasp!)), I finally started to settle into our relationship. The thought of making long-distance plans no longer freaked me out. Looking into his eyes, I would feel that flutter in my stomach instead of a knot. And then last weekend, I dropped the L word. I think he was in L-territory long before I was, but he waited for me to say it. I guess. I don't know. It's not that big of a deal. I have loved him for a long time, but only recently have I fallen in love with him.

Another advantage of not having to jet off all whirlwind like to LA at the end of the month is that I'll finally get to sit on my ass in my apartment and maybe bake some bread and paint my bathroom. The boy and I have been traveling A LOT. Bar Harbor, Maine, last weekend, NJ, NH for the brother's college graduation. And then for Memorial Day weekend, the BFF and his BF came here and stayed with me. We went to Ptown for the day. It was lovely. Coming up, we have a weekend in Ptown for a friend's birthday, and then I jet off to FLA with school friends and then to NC with his paternal extended family. August I've got weddings and ... whew. I'm getting tired just thinking about it.

Oh, NC. Yeah, the diet is not going so well. On the plus side, I think I am getting in better shape and I'm not putting on weight at a precipitous rate, but I don't think I'm getting into bikini territory. And I'm ok with that. As part of my plan, i was going to run a 5K this past weekend. But then I got slammed with work and I pulled my back, and it all went to pot. My back? Yeah. I did it first a long time ago and every now and again, I do it again. Usually it's not so bad, but this time, I did it at the gym and my trainer made me stretch. Then I slept in the boy's bed which is very floppy. And for days, I was not able to stand up straight and waddled through the hallways at work like a pregnant penguin. It was not pretty. I finally went to the doctor - the first time ever for this condition - and she gave me muscle relaxants. SWEET JESUS they are amazing. I don't think they actually make my muscles relaxed. I think they just put me to sleep so I don't care.

Work. Oh work. I was told I'm not in happy territory in terms of my billable hours. I don't really care. I mean, I kind of do, because when they put a goal in front of me, I like to strive for it. But I don't care b/c, while I like the work I'm doing, generally, it's not the type of work I went to law school to do. So I decided that after my year is up, I'm going to look for a new job. Not enough to quit my job before I find one, but enough to start looking.

And that's enough for now. I passed interesting several paragraphs ago.

31 is the New...

2008-05-09T08:29:00.002-04:00

On Monday, I got carded when I bought scratchers in Connecticut. That's right. For playing the lottery.

Ha!!

The Home From Work Post

2008-05-06T08:50:00.003-04:00

Sick! I am SICK!!! My body is in serious rebellion mode. [TMI ALERT!] First, I had my period for like three weeks straight. [END TMI ALERT.] Then I had this monstrous cold sore that is just getting better. Then on Saturday, I got that tickle in my throat with a hint of sniffles which has now turn into a full-blown cold. Thank God I actually get to sit at home today and do nothing so I don't have to be all hopped up on drugs just to function. Bleeeeeech.

I guess it's time to catch up on my blogging.

So this weekend, I was down in NY / NJ for the 5-Boro Bike Ride. I'm pretty sure it didn't help my cold, but it was totally worth it.

I guess that's it. Turns out, I may have to go into work because I just got an assignment. Ugh, my head is about to explode with snot.

Epiphany

2008-05-02T00:52:00.003-04:00

Sitting here, piddling on the internet before bed. Stalking people on MySpace, etc. And the room starts to spin as this thought formulates in my head. No, really, room is spinning. Now.

See, I've been having issues with the Boy and his WoW. I want to support what he thinks he needs to do to relax. I want to support him vegging out, sitting around, doing nothing. But if it were just that, I'd probably be ok with it, except that he needs to get off his ass and exercise more. But no, he tells me he plays WoW with his "buddies". He uses it to keep in touch, as a substitute for "hanging out" since they're all over the world.

And I realize now that this bothers me because I don't want to play WoW and I don't think he wants me to play WoW, but if these "buddies" of his lived in New England and he hung out with them on a regular basis and NEVER invited me, I'd have serious problems. And this is basically what it's like. He's met most of my friends. I've invited him into almost every aspect of my life. (He hasn't attended a work thing yet, nor have I told my parents that I'm even dating him, but that's a complex blog for another day.)

This is why I kind of freak out and don't feel comfortable with this WoW thing. I also know for a fact that he doesn't play with just "buddies" but several women as well. And he's told me that he's not on WoW to be picked up or to pick up women, though this has happened to his friends. (And if you Google it, a lot of people seem to meet and date through this online RPGs.) And there are women (or a woman?) he has friendships with - close friendships - of which I can't be a part of without playing a game I have no interest in playing or forcing myself into some email / MySpace message chain or, geez louise, hacking into his MySpace account without him knowing.

(YES I KNOW I AM NOT TRUSTING, but this blog is not the place to be judged as it is where I spout my deepest darkest secrets, sometimes, and c'mon, look at my track record.)

Several weeks ago, in a drunken fit, I posted a comment on his MSpace page. I did it becuase he hadn't changed his - bear with me I know I'm pathetic - relationship status to "In a Relationship". This was significant b/c one or two weeks after we got back together, he had changed it on FBook without any prompt or mention of it from me. So I posted. And he changed his status. And then some girl defriended him. And he refriended her. Yes, it's definitely true that I have waaaaay too much time to kill on this damn site and on the internet in general. And in a way, I look for my own reasons not to trust. But I just ... feel so uneasy not knowing about ANY of these people that he spends so much time with. And is willing to forego seeing me for.

Blaaaaargh.

I guess we have something to talk about during our 6 hour car-ride back on Monday.

Blast...

2008-04-30T15:45:00.002-04:00

Things have been slow at work. As such, I've been spending a lot of time on Facebook, and to a lesser extent, MySpace. Click, click, click, today, and I happen upon a the page of a girl who NY Boy (oh, ill-fated NY Boy) dated. They professed their relationship status on FBook (as my hipster cousin calls it), and then several months later, she somehow hacked into his FBook account and set some status message to say that he was a lying sack of shit, or something equally accurate to that effect. At the time of this FBook hacking, I sent him a message saying, oh, things never change. But today, I sent HER a message via MSpace telling her, hey, you're not the first that he's lied to and cheated on. A short exchange ensued.

I'm not sure why I did it. Maybe it was reading her blogs about him, and the girl he cheated on her with, that motivated me. Reading about the familiar pain and the distrust, the anguish and the doubt. All of the same emotions that I experienced. Poor thing. She's not even 21 yet. (?!?!)

The new girl, I happen to know she left her husband. Maybe she left him for NY Boy. I'm not sure. But what a goon. I mean, grow a pair and break up with someone before seeing someone else. This is like three times, to my knowledge, that he's done with. Goon!

04.29.2008

2008-04-29T20:10:00.002-04:00

....and people everywhere are killin' hookers.

Medical Inconvenience

2008-04-29T08:51:00.003-04:00

The largest cold sore(s) of my life have erupted on my lips. This generally wouldn't be a problem except that (1) it looks like aliens are procreating on my face and (2) I'm supposed to go down to Jersey this weekend with the boy and go for a 42-mile bike ride and spend the weekend at his grandparents with his mom, uncles, etc. Way to rock the good impression.

In other medical inconveniences, I decided to skip the sugar pill a few weeks ago because I was going to be in NYC for my birthday sharing a hotel room with three people, etc. etc. Well, instead of getting my period that weekend in NYC, I've gotten my period for the last two weeks. Every time I think it stops, it starts up again.

I think the two problems are related. Either way, they're EXTREMELY inconvenient. But no, KS, I'm not pregnant.

Update on the bikini-mission: Things went pretty well last week. I even went for a 14-mile bike ride on Saturday with the boy as training for this weekend. Things sort of fell apart Saturday night at a birthday bbq, and then on Sunday, when I thought the gym closed later than 7. Otherwise on course. Now, if only I could actually find a nice bathing suit...

Update:

2008-04-24T21:49:00.000-04:00

I had to backdate the last post even though I just posted it because blogger was acting weird. But anyways, it's been like a week on this regimen and I have to say, it's hard not to drink. I went two days, then had a few beers last weekend when the boy barbecued. Then I had a few beers last night at trivia with my coworkers. Then tonight I had a beer when the boy and I went to a Mexican restaurant. This just means I have to work out harder!

A Spring Resolution

2008-04-18T15:09:00.000-04:00

This may sound ridiculous, but never in my adult life have I gone on a diet. I mean, I watch what I eat, and I control my weight through my activity level. Some of my most extreme periods of weight loss have been due to stress - e.g. fall of my 2L year when I was interviewing; this last winter under some emotional duress. Then again, some of my most extreme periods of weight gain have also been due to stress - e.g. studying for the bar exam; studying for exams 1L year.

But I'm aiming to do something this summer that I've never done before. That is, wear a bikini Stateside. Sure, I wore a bikini when I was five, and I wore a bikini this summer in Europe when I was traveling with my friend. But I have never worn a bikini as a non-toddler in the United States. And in June, I'm traveling to Florida and the Outer Banks with friends and the boy and his family, respectively. And I want to wear a bikini.

So I told this to my trainer today and I said, I'd like to lose about 10-20 pounds. He said, well, let's aim for 1.5 pounds a week; that gives you time to lose 12 before your trip. But if you follow these instructions, you will lose that much weight in three weeks. So what am I supposed to do?

1. Drink MORE, and I think he means LOTS of, water;
2. Engage in 30 minutes of continuous physical activity every day;
3. Eat more vegetables (not really a problem in my life);
4. Eat less carbs;
5. Stay away from fried foods (really only a problem b/c there are like 14 pubs on every street in this god-forsaken city); and
6. Give up alcohol.

FREEZE. GIVE UP ALCOHOL? Doesn't he know that I'm a lawyer?

Upon further consideration, I think this is a good idea. I don't necessarily like the way I am when I drink (too much). And they really are an enormous source of empty calories. But I like the celebration aspect of drinking, when it's a true celebration of a true event, and not just happy hour. So I'm going to do my best to follow all of the above, including number 6, but when I absolutely need to, I'm going to drink vodka and club soda. Ha!

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

Yay, A Post

2008-04-06T19:57:00.002-04:00

To follow up, HAF, a WOW wedding is this ... WOW is an online interactive game. Not the technical name for it, but you create these characters and log on to these networks and play together in this fantasy world. There are a lot of games like this, but in WOW, you and a bunch of other people go on missions and kill things, gathering experience points and rise in rank, etc. I believe it's like dungeons and dragons but online. The boy, he plays with a bunch of people he met in the army. The other week, two of the people he plays with got married - I think first in real life, then they held an online ceremony. This is not unheard of in WOW, it seems. I did a quick google search and there were a lot of you Tube videos set to Pachelbel's Canon, etc. The wedding part was weird, to me, but I think I'm ok with him playing the game. I mean, he doesn't know a lot of people here, and if it's his way of keeping in touch, then so be it. The things that worry me about it is he's living this like alternate life and god only knows what happens and who he's talking to and what they're doing. The other thing is, I wish he'd get off his ass and meet people.

But I'm not sure this is a huge complaint of mine. I mean, any more than the things I normally complain about. Things are going really well and he's been really good. And we're having a good time. And when we do things, we do them. It's not like as soon as, let's say, we get to his place, he logs on and plays. Time with me is time with me.

Last night we were out at a bar with a bunch of people and I overheard him telling a friend that he wasn't in love with me.

I don't know.

It kind of made me sad, but when I wasn't under the influence of alcohol, I realized I'm ok with this. I'd rather he not be in love with me b/c that would seem kind of fast. The other thing is, I think I was only sad b/c I want him to like me more than I like him, and that's sort of twisted. I like him, I may be falling in love with him (again?), but the fact is, we're having a good time, we're getting to know each other, and I can't complain.

My birthday is coming up and I'm heading to NYC next weekend. Hooray!

Sorely Overdue, I Know

2008-03-26T22:00:00.002-04:00

Between work being busier and dating The Boy (again) and the dragging on of winter, it feels like I hardly have enough time to poop. It's a good thing that between being busier and dating the boy and the dragging on of winter, I don't really need to poop. No, I haven't been feeling that great.

But winter feels like it's coming to an end. The days are getting longer, the clocks have been turned back, the thermometer is actually breaking fifty. On occasion. This is New England after all.

So work, yeah, work is busy. One of the partners I work for is a stereotype embodied in a caricature. "Stick it to the [insert anonymous governmental agency here]!" I've worked until 7 or 8 on a regular basis. I've stopped eating lunch with people. I'm a regular big-firm lawyer! Ack! I wish I could tell you about the pro bono cases I've been working on, too. Cuz those are interesting.

Things with the boy are good. Shockingly, scarily good. But here is a typical cycle of emotions: ehh, I don't know, I feel sort of indifferent; oh, but that was a REALLY good date, I think I really like him; hmm, he's being so attentive and open and sort of serious and into me; hmph, well he must be covering for some double life.

No, really. The other day, I was watching him play WOW cuz, yeah, he's just one of those guys. It's cool. He uses it to communicate and sort of hang out with his army buddies and other friends. OK, they're scattered all over the world, I sorta get it. But then I caught (saw?) someone sending him a message -- X loves you. And I kind of freaked out. I brought it up with him, and he answered me satisfactorily, and I think the whole issue brought us closer together, but I can't help falling back into this cycle of doubt and mistrust. Distrust?

I have no reason not to trust him except that he's a guy. And really it's all me with the baggage. He's been really, really good. It's me who's having independence issues, and not being able to handle (maturely) this expectation that we have to spend the weekends together. It's me who freaks out on him every once in a while. And he's been great. But I can't indulge myself too often. He's not going to stick around if I freak out like clockwork. At least, he shouldn't. And that's one of the things that I think I had realized while we were apart. As much as my feelings are valid, it's not fair of me to drag him around on my roller coaster. And in a way, it's almost beneficial to me that he is so emotionally sensitive, because it almost trains me not to indulge every emotion.

But the issue here really is trust.

Yesterday, he attended a WOW wedding. I will never get it. I don't know if I've ever played a video game that was real enough for me to want to recreate life events within it. Then again, while I'm internet-comfortable, I didn't grow up with it like kids these days. I don't know.

And so it goes.

80s Resurgence

2008-02-29T08:19:00.000-05:00

Besides the hideous fashion trends, have you noticed the 80s resurgence? American Gladiator, Rambo, Knight Rider...I hear rumors of an A-Team remake. I know this list is incomplete.

It's Gone and Happened...

2008-02-29T08:16:00.001-05:00

...I've started dreaming about work. I used to do this back at my first job, when I used to do a lot of coding. (No, I didn't study CS in college...I had to teach myself on-the-job. Fortran, too. SOOO not marketable.) Anyway. It's been a rough week at work. I'm glad this week is over. Too bad I have to work through the weekend.

Little Bits

2008-02-23T10:02:00.003-05:00

On the T this morning, we were stopped at Kenmore. The conductor helpfully informed us, "We're being held here until we leave."

The ex and I have gotten back together. Basically, we were already dating in the months we were sort of broken off. I can tell you what's changed, and I can tell you how I feel. But basically, we're just spending time together because we like to and we're still getting to know each other. And I think when we were dating, I wasn't fair to him because I'd prejudged him and he wasn't fair to me because he kept things to himself. We're trying. I'm definitely learning a lot about myself. My emotionalness. My possessiveness. And that's all I really want to say right now.

About everything. Really, I should write about how ridiculous law firm life is, and the case I'm working on. But I won't. Because I'll probably lose my job. :)

Cloverfield Sux

2008-02-17T05:09:00.003-05:00

I'm in LA visiting the BFF and his BF.

Tonight, we watched Cloverfield, the movie. I'm still nauseous and not feeling right from it.

The BFF and I were super excited to watch this movie because it fits perfectly into our natural disaster movie theme. You see, during college, there was a spate of natural disaster movies ... Volcano, Dante's Peak, Armageddon, and Deep Impact. Followed, over the years, by such classics as Deep Blue Sea, Godzilla, The Core, Snakes on a Plane (yeah, loosely a natural disaster, but so fun!), The Day After Tomorrow...

Cloverfield seemed to fit our parameters. Earth, specifically NYC, gets attacked by unknown creature(s). We were so excited to see it together!

Well, turns out, we were also going to get sick together. Stupid handheld cameras.

Two things.

One, in addition to watching these movies, we also rate them. We used to rate these movies and then plot them on an x-y graph - whereby the x-axis represented ridiculousness, and the y-axis represented seriousness (i.e. how seriously the movie took itself). Recently, we modified our rating system so that the values, ridiculousness and seriousness, were added and then represented on a bar graph. The highest cumulative points is the "best" movie. At least by our standards. Nothing can beat Dante's Peak, it seems.

Two, there were a smattering of "47" sightings in Cloverfield. There also seem to be 47 sightings in Alias and Lost, both JJ Abrams productions. There must be a connection to a P.C. alum out there somewhere... Oh, and JJ Abrams is directing the new Star Trek movie. Hooray! The 47 connection comes full circle, perhaps.

I feel like I've written about these things before. Then again, my head and gut are still spinning, so who knows.

thoughts from the dating scene

2008-02-09T14:21:00.000-05:00

Is it bad not to want to date a guy again because he chews his food with his mouth open and makes all sorts of smacking noises? Seriously, one of my top pet peeves. And this guy is no spring chicken. Very set in his ways.

More Tales From the T

2008-02-04T21:02:00.000-05:00

So I'm waiting on the T platform for my train home and an announcement comes over the loudspeaker. It's a boston bruins defenseman telling us how he rides the t to practice and basically plugging the t - the t works for me, he says.

First of all, no way does a professional hockey player take the T to practice. B, he's preaching to the choir, don't you think?

Some time later, I'm still waiting on the T platform and this nutjob says, now remember we've been waiting here a while, this is what liberal democrats call rapid transit. Some hapless kid goes, why. Because liberal democrats want you to ride public transportation and get out of your cars because cars mean freedom and libeal democats are against freedom.

I love public transportation. And I can't wait to vote tomorrow!!!

Signs that I Need New Clothes

2008-02-01T20:22:00.000-05:00

- I have nothing to wear with my suit except a thin, nearly sleeveless sweater and four people comment on the unseasonableness of my outfit.

- Before going out, I actually OVEReat so my pants don't fall off.

- Even on the last hole on my belt, I can still wiggle the belt around and put my fist through it.

- I can put on almost all my pants without undoing the button and zipper.

- You can almost see definition in my belly.

So yeah, I've been losing weight. There was the unhealthy part when I broke up with the Ex, then there's this semi-healthy weight loss from working out and generally not eating so much because I'm not studying, but strapped to my desk at work. Unfortunately, all the clothes I bought at the start of the fall don't fit. That was a lot of money I spent. Now, I don't really have that much money to spend b/c I'm more interesting in my house and student loans have fully kicked in. Looks like I'm going to have to look like a bum for a bit longer... There are worse things that I could be worrying out. :)

Just A Survey, Because I've Been Reduced to That

2008-01-15T21:33:00.000-05:00

1.How old were you in 1980?
3 y.o.

2. How old were you in 1989?
You do the math.

3. Were you a Toys R' Us kid?
I didn't have any toys. Just one game.

4. Did you watch Transformers?
Yes! More than meets the eye!

5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen?
No...I watched movies like Conan and Rambo.

6. Did you own a Lite Bright?
No

7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl?
Blanche

8. When someone says " Who you gonna call? " You think?
Don't cross the beams!

9.What was your favorite toy?
I didn't have toys.

10. Did you have a Pogo Ball?
No, I was too fat. Really.

11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
YES!

12. What New Kid did you have a crush on?
Joey!

13. Did you play M.A.S.H?
All it took was paper, pen, free time, and a crush. Of course!

14. Did you watch The Care Bears?
Yes! And I would look up at the clouds looking for them.

15. Did you have Jelly bracelets?
Maybe.

16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet?
No.

17. Did you own a glo-worm?
No.

18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
YES!

19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
Oh, both.

20. Did you have a crazy hair style?
PERM. Ick.

21. What was your first bike?
Pink and white with a banana seat, streamers out of the handles, a plastic basket, and one pedal. Yes, one pedal.

22. Name one thing you remember from your childhood?
Burning leaves in the backyard and getting in trouble.

23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid?
Yes, years after everyone else did.

24. Did you dress like Madonna?
I had lace gloves...

25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
Neither!

26. Did you watch Miami Vice?
Yes!

27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
No.

28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
Yes!

29. Atari or Nintendo?
Atari, then Nintendo, natch.

30. Did you play Pac-Man?
Yup.

31. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or Barbie and the rockers?
Jem, because she was excitement.

32. He-Man or She-Ra?
He-Man, then She-Ra.

33. What movie scared you the most?
Nightmare on Elm Street. Then there was that time I thought I was living in Halloween the movie when the power went out one Halloween...

34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson?
Not very well.

Tying Up A Few Loose Ends

2008-01-15T00:37:00.000-05:00

So about the girl. At dinner, the same dinner where we were disucssing politics, she made it a point to say that my name, and the name of another girl, were were not on the bar examiners website. She was like, your firms must not have processed your paperwork and paid your fees. I checked your names. Yes, helpful and informative, perhaps. But then again, it was said with that same condescending tone like, your firms aren't that great. And it reeked of jealousy, despite her attempts to cover it up with the inadequacy of our employers. If my friend who is employed at a large firm and I were the types of people who rubbed it in others' faces or looked down at anyone who didn't work at a big firm, then maybe I could have understood that attitude. But I can confidently say that we are not.

So a few posts ago I talked about how I wanted to be selfish. I will again repeat that I am not selfless. Far from it, in fact. But really what I meant was that I have just not been taking care of myself, and letting social activities and other people drain me. And it really hit the fan this weekend. Saturday night, I got in bed at 12:30, falling in and enjoying the fact that I was going to sleep for many hours after two nights of dancing in 3-inch stilettos. I was just about asleep when my blackberry buzzed. "A woman I was talking to at this bar introduced me to her daughter." You know who it was.

The conversation spiraled, and the Ex basically got on his self-pity horse, calling himself a loser, saying he's been feeling like crap, needing to talk, but then also saying that he couldn't talk to me. In a way that definitely made sense. But in a way, he was doing what he always did. Drawing a line in the sand, saying I need someone, but you're not good enough b/c you're on that side of the line for some reason. And there I was in my half-drunk, half-asleep state trying to get him to open up. Yeah, I was saying girlfriendy things, but I was also sincerely concerned as his friend. I mean, he was reaching out and talking about his feelings like he never had. He put it off. But then he said, Sorry for talking so much, but this doesn't change our situation. It took me five minutes to establish that he didnt need to reject me, espeically when I was just trying to be his friend.

But the funniest thing happened on Sunday. I was supposed to go on this dinner date that I was sort of excited about. But as it drew nearer, I just kept crying. And crying. And crying. Such that I came home from the movies and basically fell apart into this blubbering mess. And why? Because of the Ex. Because he basically sucked my will to live. Because I felt like I was living through our breakup again. Because trying to help him drained whatever emotional energy I had left after hanging out with his ex all day saturday (she's a very self-centered person and can be very draining).

So I canceled my date. And I felt instantaneous relief. And I think I'm not going to date. The mere thought of becoming emotionally entangled with another person makes me want to crawl into bed and suck my thumb. Never mind that he sounds like Eeyore on the phone. And I've got enough sucubuses in my life. And I want to enjoy my friends b/c they are a ton of fun and men are distracting. And also, I'm not over the ex. Also, I've been ignoring my faith and I really want to fix that. And I have this distinct feeling that I can't when I'm in a relationship. B/c I haven't reconciled the two yet.

And fundamentally, I want to be there for people. For my friends. For the ex. For the ex's ex. All these people I love and care for, many of whom love and care for me. And the thought of being filled with God's love so that it spills over and makes me better able to love others, so that others may feel God's love...shit, that thought makes me want to live a long time. So that's what I want to focus on. And myself. And my tv. I want to get to know my TV very, very well. So actually, before I even really start dating, I think I'm taking a break. And I'm going to be more judicious about my social engagements.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not making myself some pathetic follower of the Ex for him to use and abuse. If what happened this weekend happens again, it's going to have to stop, this us trying to be friends thing. But I really think I was emotionally drained, and he, with almost a sick sixth sense, wrangled me in, pulled me down, made me weak for a day. It was a temporary lapse. Call me stupid. Call me blind. But at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm less blind and stupid than I was two months ago. Either I'm going to learn my lesson, or by the will of God, I'm actually going to be a blessing in his life.

Thoughts

2008-01-10T21:51:00.000-05:00

There is this girl I hang out with. I'm pretty sure that if we didn't have mutual friends, we would never see each other. (never mind that when she housesat for me, she ran my electric bill up 4x what i normally ran it up.) My point is that a few days ago, at dinner, we were having a discussion about politics. It was a very uninformed conversation. Her opinions were paramount, and anyone who had any other opinion didn't count. ("I like Richardson." "Well, he's not going to win, so who cares about him.") So then I changed the subject. Oh, did you see the pics of Britney?? The conversation was just getting too divisive. And she, really, was being too much of a bitch.

THat's all I can squeeze out tonight. It was our firm holiday party tonight. I'm drunk.

Not My Proudest Moment

2008-01-06T22:54:00.001-05:00

Confession time. The Ex and I have been seeing each other pretty regularly since about Thanksgiving. It was purely physical. For a while. And then I found that I wasn't that excited for a possible date. And then I found that I was looking around at a lot of good looking straight men, and I wasn't interested. Never mind that it's not really right for me to be dating guys while I'm still hooking up with my ex. So we decided to cut it off. But the closure that I needed was to hear that there was no chance for us again. Even though I didn't necessarily think it was a good idea, there's this thing in me, this need to keep trying until I know I can't. This inability to move on. This problem of living in the past. Sometimes, I think that if my college ex showed up in my life somehow, I'd get back together with him, too.

No, he said, there's no chance. I'm not ready to be in a relationship again. And we fight. I'm easygoing and carefree, he said, and we fight. We fought more than I did with my other exes. And I didn't feel like I was in love with you after 4 or 5 months. And if that doesn't happen, I don't think it's worth it.

I met up with his ex who's my new bff, and she said, when we were talking when you guys first broke up, he seemed kinda sad that he couldn't love you. That you were worth loving, but he couldn't do it.

After he left, I was ok. I wasn't sad, I didn't cry. But I guess it's getting late and the day has worn on me, and now I'm sad and maybe crying a little as I'm writing this. Of course he didn't love me. He didn't know me, and seemed to have no desire to know me. And, I said, you seemed to have this thing where you thought you needed to change so much just to be in a relationship, and I wish you knew that you didn't need to, don't need to. I liked you for who you were, not for who you were trying to be. OK, he said, if you say so. And he wasn't carefree. He was emotional and moody and unable to deal with his feelings.

I just watched Cashmere Mafia, this new show on ABC. It's basically about four very powerful women in NYC. Powerful b/c of what they've achieved in their careers. And about the men who are basically second to them in money and power and, oftentimes, importance. One of the characters, we find out, knows her husband is having an affair and has had affairs in the past. And she lets it happen basically because she knows he's emasculated.

Even though I am by far not the model of worldly success, sometimes I think I emasculated him. And he couldn't handle it.

The thing is, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. And that's really what I'm understanding right now.

On with the dating. :-/

Happy New Year!

2008-01-03T00:01:00.000-05:00

"You have great friends." I do, I really do.

I hosted NYE. It was good fun. I had coworkers and law school friends and random other friends all piled into my apartment. I gave them food, I gave them drinks, they brought some of their own of each, and I let them loose in my home. Oh, and onto my Wii as well. And they all seemed to get along swimmingly. So I hear, because I couldn't tell you first hand. I overindulged in champagne, and then I didn't stand still talking to one person for more than two minutes, and the night is a series of snippets of faces. Ah, the perils of being hostess.

But it really makes me very happy that everyone had a great time. I do wish I had better memories of the good times, but that's ok. Also, I feel weird that other people having a good time brings me so much satisfaction. I guess I take after my dad. But I kind of feel like I need to be more selfish. At least right now. The Ex's exes, the two that I've met, are all takers. Being around them, it's all about them. The Ex is kind of a taker, too, although he mopped my floor on Tuesday morning, and that's the kind of giving that warms the cockles of my heart. (Yeah, read between the lines.) Case and point - at my party, the Ex came up to me and asked whether his ex had hooked up with my friend, b/c they were flirting, etc. I kind of avoided answering, although he chose to draw his own conclusions. But when I told the Ex's ex, she said, see, I knew he was going to get jealous. I don't think it ever occurred to her to care about my reaction to it, given that it was me who most recently dated him, and it was me who was struggling with him. I think it was after this interaction that drove me to finding a new bottle of champagne and drinking out of it.

You know what really satisfies me, though? Casual, relatively uncommitted hookups. And then 6 nights a week, coming home to my apartment, or hanging out with my friends, without the hookupee. It makes me really happy. And that's frightening. Maybe I don't want to be in a relationship. Maybe I just need physical satisfaction and affection every once in a while, and then live the adventure that is my life. I don't know. I get so unstable and emotional when I like someone, when I was dating the Ex. I don't know.

It's 2008. Maybe I'll come closer to figuring it out this year.

Edit: Obviously, I'm selfish. I need to rewrite this. But I don't want to leave you with the impression that I'm selfless, b/c, well, far from it.

I Just Need to Get This Off My Chest

2007-12-30T16:33:00.000-05:00

The other day, I went to the Ex's place to hang out and play Rock Band. OMG. I love Rock Band. And the Ex got it for Christmas, and I wanted to play. So I went there. Well, his other ex, the one he dated last before me, she was in town shopping and came over for dinner. She was just as territorial as she was when I met her the first time, when the Ex and I were still together. She has not, in the days we have spent together, asked me a single question about me. And all she does is talk about herself. And she didn't particularly enjoy us playing Rock Band, but didn't join in and try, nor did she say she wasn't having fun. She actually sat there and mutter to herself. Tell us about every text she got. And when she would tell stories between songs in the game, they would go on and on and on and on. Listen, honey, I want to listen to you, but you gotta keep it brief or accept that I'm going to look away because I need to watch the tv.

If she weren't 21, I'd call her a bitch. Really, she's just young and not that bright.

But I got home late last night after being out to a Facebook friend request from her.

I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER!

But I'm trying to remind myself that she's 21. She's not my competitor. It's almost like she's my younger sister.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FACEBOOK FRIENDS WITH HER!

When I didn't respond to her request in 18 hours, she put her profile to private.

Ugh.

So now I'm going to back into why I was even hanging out with the Ex at all. Because I'm a sucker.

I have a theory. I don't give up on people I should give up on because I was never able to give up on my family. There were many times in my childhood I wanted to give up on them and I didn't. I couldn't. I may have tried to run away but just ended up coming home at the end of the day, my parents none the wiser. There is something very obligationy about the whole thing. I really can't be more eloquent. I'm tired and going to bed.

Sound Advice

2007-12-29T00:13:00.000-05:00

There are two types of people. People who put their coffee beans in the freezer and people who don't. OK, maybe there are three types of people, the third being people who don't drink coffee. But I don't trust such people, so they don't count.

Some say the freezer helps the beans stay fresh. You know, like meat. I used to believe this, and as such, I used to store my beans in the freezer. One day, I stopped. Why? Because I was watching Dante's Peak and that chick from Terminator owns a coffee shop in the movie and SHE stored her beans at room temperature. Something to do with the oil in the beans.

Here's the thing, though. I'm not really sure this is the right way to do it. I mean, I know many smart people who store their beans in the freezer. And really, is Dante's Peak really where I want to be getting such advice? That movie blew! My BFF and I love the part where Scruffy is rescued from a rock in the middle of a river of lava. We laughed out loud in the theatre as everyone else was wiping tears from their eyes. I mean, we love it because it sucks!

Maybe one day, I'll wikipedia it and all will be revealed.

Eek!

2007-12-27T23:16:00.001-05:00

I.

Went.

On.

A.

Date.

Tonight.

Yeah, so, about two months ago (note the timing) I signed up for an online dating thingie. Tonight, I met one of my matches. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I mean, literally, I really have no thoughts about him. Except that he was nice. And cute. But...he didn't make me laugh. Which is ok, because there's no rule about anything, but I like to laugh. Instead, I just felt kinda ditzy. I guess it's b/c he was kinda serious. And of course I compared him to the ex. But, that's natural, I guess. I don't know. It's just that I went on a date tonight. It was fun! Talking to someone new. Meeting someone new. That nervousness as I was waiting. Hmm.

Intermission

2007-12-26T23:56:00.000-05:00

I recently raved about the movie Juno and its soundtrack. One of the cutest songs from the movie is Anyone Else (But You) by the Moldy Peaches. Here are the lyrics. Here is a MySpace page where you can hear the song. Yeah, I hate doing this, but deal. :) My favorite lyrics might be "Squinched up your face and did a dance / You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants". Hehehehehe.

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you

To You and Yours

2007-12-25T11:21:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, everyone! I'll refrain from going off about the true meaning of Christmas, and just hope that you are all happy and healthy and with loved ones.

I've got a few posts brewing, but really, work is keeping me busy, and so are people. The holidays are such a busy time. Oh, and cooking. I've been doing a lot of it lately. For Misfit Christmas, which is what my friend is calling the Christmas dinner / party he's hosting. And impromptu dinner parties. And our in-between Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner party. And soon for New Year's Eve, which I'll be hosting. Sometimes, there's nothing better than staying in on a Friday night and watching ingredients come together into something delicious.

Again, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Not Much

2007-12-16T10:35:00.000-05:00

I kinda feel like ass. Not that I'm sick. I am just so tired. I love people, and I love hanging out with people, but I am being pulled in too many directions. Last night, I had about 4 different people I was supposed to meet up with. And most of them ended up at a movie with my coworkers. I need some serious alone time. I just don't think it's going to happen during the holidays.

An interesting development is that the ex's high school ex, who really doesn't like to be called the ex b/c their relationship was so not a relationship, and I are becoming BFF's almost. We've hung out a lot lately, and we're kinda hitting it off. Last weekend, they hung out. And on Wednesday, when we hung out, I had to ask her whether she had slept with him. She had not. Even though he seriously tried. It made it much easier for me to be with her. And when the whole dirty story came out, she said, I want to be friends with you, not him. And it more or less has happened.

That doesn't mean I'm not friends with him, I guess. We went shopping yesterday. And he is still as selfish and an idiot as when we were dating, but even more so. Spending time with him totally reminds me how much we shouldn't be dating. I think I'm kind of addicted to him, though.

There's so much else to write about. Work. Snow. The movie I watched last night (Juno - so good). Work. But I'm too tired.

One Last (Amended)

2007-12-09T23:50:00.000-05:00

So I think the Ex and I aren't going to make it through this fight. I'm not going to go into details, but there was something about our last fight that has just completely turned him off of me. And me off of him. It was like, hey, this shit's not worth it. It's sad, don't get me wrong. I struggle every day with sadness still. It's almost like we've broken up again.

This time, though, I'm not going to talk about all the things about him that I liked or admired. Because what it's come down to is that he makes me feel like shit. And he makes me feel like shit because he does jerky things. And in his jerkiness, he's made me doubt myself. Made me doubt that I'm a good person, a fun person, with lots of virtues and great things about me. I'm a lot of fun. I'm generous. I bring people together. I'm loyal. I'm self aware and pretty mature, even if I'm very emotional. All these things I know are good things. And he's made me doubt it all. And that sucks. And he sucks. And I need to cut him out. Still sad, though.

Tonight, I was hanging out at a bar watching football with friends. We had the best waiter ever. And I invited him to come out with us tomorrow night. I think I was flirting with him. And I liked it.

Amendment: I was talking to my friend, J. He's great. He's a guy, but he's just really honest and observant and perceptive and tells me really insightful things about guys. And he noted that I'm projecting my frustration onto the Ex. And it's kinda true. He hasn't really done anything outright to hurt me, besides kind of ignoring me. And he's selfish. But he's not a jerk, and he probably doesn't know he's doing anything wrong. That doesn't make it any easier to be friends with him. At the same time, I think the self-imposed distance will be good. It never hurts. I mean, in the long run.

The Ex

2007-12-02T22:50:00.000-05:00

Friday, I had a poker party. The Ex came because, well, he plays poker and I like hanging out with him. It was a really, really good party. And then when everyone left, he stayed, and I gave him his present. And when I asked him if he liked it, he said yes, and then he kissed me.

OK, it's true that we hooked up Thanksgiving weekend. And it's true that I asked him to stay on Friday b/c it was his birthday, and I wanted to give him his gift while we were alone. But he kissed me. It was the most relationshipy affection we've given each other, even given last weekend, and even given him staying over on Friday.

Saturday was his actual birthday, and because The Ex doesn't have a lot of friends, I skipped a few other parties to hang out with him. And his ex who lives in the city. And my friend J from law school, a guy who was at the poker party and agreed to come out to celebrate.

In the end, the things that broke our relationship surfaced again. The things that made our relationship hard, they're the same in the context of friendship. Yeah, it was his birthday, and he gets to be the center of attention, but it's nice to be appreciated that you're there, especially after you pay for his dinner and forego other parties and get the waiter to embarrass him for his birthday. (Heh). Instead, you don't get a thank you, you get largely ignored, you have to put up with him flirting with his ex, you get his alcohol fueled pomposity, and when you (innocently) tell him to drink up, he says, "You're still going home alone tonight." And in my alcohol fueled vulnerability, and putting up with him flirting with his ex, I walked out. As I was silently putting on my coat, he came over and said he was sorry, and asked, are you really leaving? And I hesitated. But I was hurt and I bolted, because I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't going to make things worse, and I wasn't really having fun, and I was really tired. I'm not saying it was right.

Other things that made it hard for him to be with me surfaced, too. Like after a few glasses of wine at another party, I called him and tried to make him talk to me. Even though the ex was at his place (b/c she parked her car there).

But then he said, I guess we can't be friends anymore. It's like the watered down friends version of "I don't love you and I feel trapped in this relationship."

He said, there's no getting through to you at those times. You just won't listen to anyone. So I said, so you just say the meanest thing you can think of? Yup, he said.

It took a lot of effort working through this. But in the end, he did speak and he agreed that this would take time and work. I don't know why I bother, except that it'd suck to just end this like this. I'm sort of on the verge of giving up, because as much as I care about him, I hate being used, and I hate feeling like a rug to be walked all over.

It was a joke, he said. But it was a bad joke. And anyone with an ounce of decency and awareness would know that.

I don't know. It's hard.

Family Is Just Another F Word Vol. II

2007-11-26T23:03:00.000-05:00

For the second time in about three years, my brother and his wife hosted Thanksgiving dinner. Less wine was drunk, and the ferrets were smellier, but the food was better. In the last few years, the closer I've gotten to becoming a lawyer, the more anxiety-ridden the thought of seeing my parents has become.

My parents put a lot of pressure on me. They always have. And they will never be happy with my life. There will always be another milestone to achieve, another thing to accomplish FOR THEM. So that they can be happy, feel like successful human beings, and brag to their friends. With my masters and now with my JD and my job, they have the career bragging down. Now, my dad WILL NOT LET UP on getting me married off. EVERY FUCKING THING is husband oriented. He said, yes, I wanted you to go to Taiwan and China to, more or less, check out the goods. When I told him a boy (gasp!) was picking me up and driving me back home, he immediately become uber-interested. I was texting / blackberry messaging with someone (the ex, natch) and he wanted to take him out to dinner. Even though he didn't even know it was a boy. And in recent weeks, having lost my appetite, I lost a few pounds. Fifteen more, he said. Even if I get married and lose 15 pounds (or in his mind, I need to lose the weight first in order to get married), there will be the grandkids to have, and the bigger house to buy, or this that or the other thing. IT JUST NEVER ENDS. So yeah, I often choose not to go home because, well, sometimes I just want to be appreciated, and I don't like constant reminders that there are things in my life I'd like to have.

In addition to putting pressure on me to "improve" my life, my parents, or at least my dad, put a lot of pressure on me to fix everyone else's life. I have a brother who is sort of floundering in life. He just can't seem to get any ambition together for enough time to make anything of his life. And my dad said to me this weekend that I need to look out for job postings for my brother. Umm, no. I am not going to help my brother find a job. The biggest problem is his lack of self-control when it comes to his temper. He's gotten fired from two jobs in less than two years. I mean, who gets fired? I'm not going to hook him up with a job just so he can fuck it up. And finding a job for him is not going to change the fact that my parents coddle him and put no pressure on him to get his life together.

If that weren't enough, whenever my dad and I are alone, which we are a lot because I play his personal chauffeur when I'm home b/c heavens to Betsy he's a bad driver, he just complains and complains and complains to me about how everyone is a disappointment. My mom, my brother, my other brother, the sister-in-law. Even my cousin who hasn't spoken to me in months, not really giving a shit that I've graduated law school and passed two bar exams. It's kind of depressing that my dad feels so despondent about his family and his life. It's even more depressing that he unloads it on me.

My mom, on the other hand, is just plain crazy. In her menopausal age, she's really taken to touting just how awesome she is. Oh, my palate is so great that I don't eat leftovers. Oh, I don't eat that much. Oh I don't this, I don't that. And it's all in this tone of how awesome she is. Then, on Thanksgiving, the tv was on as we were waiting for dinner. It was some stupid movie about some girl who falls for a prince, but doesn't know he's a prince. There's this library scene where they start making out, and she's taking off his shirt. Ok, yeah, a little awkward. But what does my mom do? She closes her eyes, has this completely stuck up look on her face, and says, who wants to watch this? Well, mom, if you weren't so sexually repressed, maybe you wouldn't have married dad and maybe we could have had a sex talk by now. OK, that's not fair. It's totally cultural. Now I'm just ranting.

The one other thing my parents have always been prone to do, my entire life, is involve me in their business. Yes, English is their second language. And since the age of 10 or maybe even younger, I've had to make phone calls for my parents - to credit card companies, to doctors, to business people. I've had to translate and write letters. Fill out my dad's jury duty forms. I've never been able to get away. Even when I was on the W. Coast for college, even when I was in New Zealand I feel like, these things I've had to do for my parents has haunted me. And law school has only increased my expected duties. I'm pretty sure the first thought that ran through my parents' minds when I told them I wanted to go to law school was, "Oooh, free legal services!" It's like as soon as I get home, piles of paperwork get put in front of me. Read this, fill out that, interpret this. On Saturday, I had to call my dad's eye doctor for an emergency appointment. They give me the phone and I dial the number, then they proceed to talk to me the ENTIRE time I'm trying to make the phone call to them. It's like there isn't enough fucking time in the world for them to tell me everything I need to do.

And let's not even talk about their racism. How the indication of a good neighborhood is the shortage of black and hispanic people. And how if someone fails to do something, it must be a sign of their inferior race, and not just their personal unreliability.

The thing I don't get is how much I want to do stuff for my friends. I've offered to do free legal research for friends, particularly the Ex who had problems with his last landlord and is in the midst of more problems with his current one. I'm almost ANNOYING how much I look up. (But yeah, I've been bored at work lately.) Why? I wish I could be less ungrateful to my parents. I wish I could just tell them to back off. I wish for so much with my parents.

A blog post wouldn't be complete without an update on the Ex. The last week or so, we've been talking a lot. On IM and text, mostly. But at least we're communicating. He drove me home on Saturday, and that was really good. He helped set up my new fancy tv. (One of the benefits of parents who express love through money and gifts.) We've also been more open and honest with each other than we were when we were dating. Which is good in the interest of friendship. But sorta sad that we couldn't be when we were dating. But really, I think we're in a good place. There were times when we were dating where I felt that we were just friends, that I felt nothing more. Except we cuddled, which was an added benefit to our friendship. So the fact that we're friends and talking and hanging out ... it's almost like it was the way before, just without the cuddling. Which is ok, because it's not like we were really that super close in some ways. I guess. Not gonna lie - I stlll think about getting back together. I still think about things I wish I had done differently. But at least there's no huge gaping hole in my life.

This sort of makes me wonder, though, what love is. I thought I loved the Boy, but there was no giddiness in my stomach, no flutters in my stomach. Then again, is it supposed to feel like that? Sure, maybe when I was 15, but now? I don't know.

Navel Gazing

2007-11-19T22:46:00.000-05:00

In my despair, I started googling things I would never google in the past - things like, breaking up with your boyfriend, getting back together with your ex. The silliness of these searches was underscored by the silliness of the results - I ended up at a lot of teen dating sites. haha.

But in my googling, it was nice to see that it's not just me and hormonally challenged teenagers that feel these things I've been feeling. It's totally normal after a breakup to want to get back together, and to rehash everything, and to fixate on things I could have done differently.

But these are the things I know:
- I am not getting back together with him, even though sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I can't breathe. To make sure of this, I am setting a deadline - no getting back together in the next two months. I hope by then, the feelings will pass and I will be in safe territory.
- Being friends is hard. It's still easy to hurt each other, it's still easy to want to be treated like a boyfriend or girlfriend. In
fact, the party last weekend was full of a bit of drama for these exact reason.
- He tried to push me away last week, and for some reason, I fought back and would not let him do that. He doesn't get to be the one that pretends to take the high road and puts our friendship above everything, then push me away. At the same time, I don't really know what he's feeling, b/c God forbid he tell me, and I need to be careful not to push too hard b/c he's hurting, too.

The ex also invited me to his grandparents' house for Turkey. He's been wanting to, and one of the things he said to me when we were breaking up was that I took it so seriously, this going to his family's. It's not that I took it seriously. It's that the thought made me nervous and it would have been nice if he appreciated it. But, after much soul-searching and hearing my parents be super excited about me coming home, I decided not to. "That's ok," he said. Well, of course it is. But before I made the decision, I asked him, why did you ask me? Does my being there make the holiday better in any way? I asked because you wanted to go. That was his response. I don't believe it. There are two options here: 1) he's so messed up that that's the truth; 2) he is so unable to express any emotions, that was the best he could do. I'm going with 2.

Anyway.

I passed two bar exams. Whoo!

Fun Night, But I Wish It Was Easier

2007-11-12T00:36:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow being a holiday and all, my friend had a party. It was such a good night. Really interesting, nice, sophisticated, fun people. Nothing debaucherous. Just people having a good time, getting to know each other.

Then why am I so sad?

I met people I totally hit it off with. Guys. And as I laughed and we talked about New Zealand and elder law, I felt myself pulling back. And by the end of the night, I just felt so sad and lonely inside. I miss him. Dammit.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

Church today was so good. The sermon was about life - like, all of life, and how people experience life and God through their childhood, 20s, 30s, and on. The 20s is a struggle with the devil. The 30s is a struggle with God. The 20s is about keeping options open. The 30s is about dealing with the closing of options. Marriage, kids, career. It's also a struggle with God b/c there can be traumatic losses - God taking away a child or spouse or something like that. The sermon totally helped me put this breakup in perspective. Look at it in the big picture, and then I can fixate less on the little, the immediate, the sense of wanting to get back together, even though I know it would be a bad thing, just b/c it would be all about ease the pain now. But no, because the big picture is, why do I want to get back together? Do I have abandonment issues? Daddy issues? Who knows. I need to process it. Whatever it is, these are things I can't work out with him. Although we are friends, he has no obligation to me. He has no duty. He has no interest, frankly. I don't think he could muster it up even if we were still dating. Which is why, ultimately, this break up is good.

Last night was drama. There was fighting and yelling and hanging up and 19 phone calls. And tears, so many tears. And he was an ass. An insensitive ass. But it doesn't matter, b/c he's my insensitive ass friend, not my boyfriend. And the problem was I wanted him to treat me like a girlfriend. Actually, somewhere between how he actually treated and treating me as a girlfriend would have been fine. He's a sloppy drunk.

I gotta go to bed.

I Hope This Is Therapeutic

2007-11-10T08:15:00.000-05:00

I survived dinner. it was actually really good. We had a good time, interacted well as friends. But every once in a while, I would look at him and this pang of missing him, of just wanting to touch him, to have him touch me, overtook me. So yeah, we talked a bit about "us". And I was honest and said I'd been thinking about getting back together, that we'd made a mistake. And he said, yeah, sometimes when I was with you, I wanted to be single. And sometimes since we broke up, I want to get back together. But that just makes me think I'm not ready to be in a real serious relationship.

And I can't be in a relationship that's not serious or going somewhere. No matter how hard this is. Because I need the companionship, the commitment, the love, the compassion, the shared goals. And even if he did want to be in a serious relationship, he probably wouldn't be right for me. Who knows.

And I wanted to ask him, is it me you can't be in a serious relationship with, or is it you? But I didn't ask. Because I was looking for something, an affirmation, a rejection. But I thought to myself, I don't need that, b/c God loves me through the mistakes, despite the mistakes, even when I don't think about God. Which I haven't very much in the last few months / years. I hate that I only think about God when I'm suffering or hurting or facing obstacles such as the Bar Exam, but I am so thankful that God forgives me for that, and loves me despite.

After dinner, I hung out with some friends, the friends through whom I met the boy, and who are hosting this party tonight that we are both going to. And it was good. It was so good to talk about it, especially coming off this feeling that breaking up was right. This optimism that we can be friends. And for them to affirm me and say, you were too good for him. It's not the superiority that is affirming; it's the idea that someone out there can appreciate me and my accomplishments, and my heart, and my mind, and not just me as a warm body to cuddle with.

But then I woke up this morning, first at 4am, then again at 7am, after trying my damndest to sleep past 6. And I was again overwhelmed with sadness, and I couldn't stop thinking of him again. And just this feeling of loneliness. This core-shattering loneliness that makes me break down and sob. I am so broken.

It's true. I want this to be easy. I want the pain to disappear. I think about dating someone else as a rebound to ease these feelings. I think about seeing the boy, hanging out when the pain is at an apex. I just have to embrace these emotions, right? I was savvier ten years ago when I would embrace these ups and downs - they make me human, they make me me, and I think in a way, they are a gift. Because when I do find the right person, I will have so much love to give, and it will be appreciated. And it will be right.

I can't wait.

One Week

2007-11-09T07:13:00.001-05:00

Is this what happens to me after a week? The missing and longing turn into wanting it back?

The boy and I are having dinner tonight. I guess in this blogging, I have left out some stories. Sunday, the pain overtook me, and I contacted the boy, and we talked, and I said, ok, yeah, we can try and be friends. But mostly just electronic communication b/c seeing each other is too much. He said, ok. The ball's in your court. Then Wednesday we talked on the phone b/c I was hurting at work and we needed to discuss this party on Saturday that we're both going to, that I need to go to, and that he wants to go to. So we talked, and he asked me to have dinner on Friday. Mostly just so Saturday is not awkward, I think. And here we are.

I've spent the last three days or so just obsessing about getting back together. I could lay out all the good and the bad, all the reasons why I think we could try and work it out, or at least get to know each other better. But I've also been reading over some posts from last summer, and I'm starting to think I go in cycles. But ... maybe there's a reason for it. And ... I don't know. I haven't been able to sleep past 6 am all week. Hell, I haven't even been able to sleep TO 6 am all week; I usually wake up around 5:50.

OK, here are some condensed thoughts.

First, I'm selfish, too.

Second, sometimes, even in platonic relationships, when friends hurt me or disappoint me, I have this quitter mentality. For an hour or a day, I say to myself, I never want to talk to this person again. But I get over it. I think with the Boy, I acted hastily in that period.

Third, he was projecting onto me - he said, I'm afraid you're getting too attached to this relationship. Umm, don't tell me what I feel. And I see attachment in your eyes, too.

Fourth, I don't want to force anything on him, but I get the distinct feeling that he's running away. That he's hitting a wall of intimacy and he's afraid or he won't go past it.

Fifth, maybe I'm totally and completely fucking delusional.

Gotta get through what promises to be yet another excruciatingly boring day at work.

Is This the Right Way?

2007-11-04T07:49:00.000-05:00

Without even discussing it, I cut the boy out of my life. I said, it's too hard for me, I need time, and while I hope, too, that we can be friends one day, I'm not good at that. And he's giving me the time, and giving me the space, and leaving the ball in my court to contact him. Unlike my boyfriend in college, who tried to force friendship on me, which just ended up with us in an unhealthy, spiraly, pseudo-relationship for almost two years.

But this isn't college. I'm not surrounded by countless things to keep me busy and countless people to keep me company and countless things to help me grow. This is my adult life. It's not that I don't have growing to do anymore, but I live alone, and I work at a somewhat dreary job, and I'm allergic to cats.

And while I never called the boy my Best Friend, because my BFF lives in LA and would probably be offended, he was my best friend. I spent so much time with him, and now he's gone. He's not dead. He's just off living his life, probably hurting too, but living it in a way that, right now, doesn't include me. I turned to him to tell him everything, and even when I didn't tell him, I thought about telling him. He was the first person that popped into my head whenever there was something I wanted to do. I thought about him as my boyfriend, and in my life, for months down the road. And that's all gone. So now, whenever something that last week would have made me consider him pops into my head, I'm just sad. So freaking sad. And I cry. Cry so freaking hard.

I don't begin to think that my pain is unique or novel or worse than anyone else who's gone through something similar. But to me, it's kinda new. This is the first relationship I've had in a long time, and I really opened myself up to the idea, and now, whereas I thought I was going to his grandparents for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'm not. And that's sad and lonely.

I think about trying to be friends with him while we're working through this; no hanging out, but just communicating. To lessen the void a little. But then I wonder if I'm just trying to trick myself. Because I also think about getting back together with him, even though that is more or less out of the question.

My apartment, I've never lived in it without dating him. So the first night I spent in this place, I spent it with him. That makes this place feel even lonelier.

Ok, this might be verging into pathetic territory. I need to take advantage of this extra hour (forgot it was daylight savings!) and pick up my life. Mostly by picking up around my apartment. It's disgusting.

My Eyes Are All Puffy

2007-11-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

The thing about breakups for me is, I'm not so good at remaining friends afterwards. Either there's just too much betrayal that there's no respect left for friendship. Or the friendship is too hard; the prospect of being friends with him and being privy to his future romantic entanglements is too hurtful. Because the guys I become involved with usually become pretty deeply engrained in ... me. So to me, a breakup usually entails a complete severing of any friendship or interaction with the other guy. And that's really hard here. I love the Boy. Not in love, although, like I've said, I may have been at times, but I love him. As a person, as a friend. And even harder than losing the intimacy of being his girlfriend, I'm mourning the loss of his friendship. Because I don't see how we can be friends without the passage of a lot of time. But it's the immediate that's going to hurt, in which I'm really going to miss him.

And there are moments when I think this is a big mistake. And there are moments when I think this is completely right.

And the truth is, I really don't know, because both seem like appealing options.

And I'm off to have lunch with him and collect the one thing of mine he has, and I think he's going to try his best to salvage this friendship, because he's like that. And I'm going to do my best not to burst into tears in the middle of the restaurant.

Well, At Least I'll Probably Have More Time for Blogging

2007-11-02T21:11:00.000-04:00

Things are not that good today.

I mean, ok, sure, I found out that I passed the MA bar. And even better, all my co-workers did, so that's awesome.

But after a two day fight, the Boy and I broke up. BROKE UP. It's official; I'm single. Just as I was getting used to saying that I had a boyfriend. Oh well.

The sad skinny: I miss him. Already. No, especially. We were spending a lot of time together, and spending the weekend together was something I started to look forward to. The weekends were so relaxing with him. He made me laugh. We laughed a lot. He was a good cuddler. I could trust him; he didn't cheat. He was a hard worker. He was respectable and, what's the word, he was, well, the best I can come up with is good moral fibre. Without the moral. Good fibre??

The happy skinny: He was, is, so messed up. When we got into a fight, or some sort of disagreement, instead of discussing what started the fight in the first place, he would say, I don't love you; I feel trapped in this relationship. Like, WTF. I mean, it had been only 5 months. I wasn't in love with him either, although I flirted with the idea. But whenever I thought I was in love with him, he would push me away. Even though he said I was the one who threw up walls. He never knew how to take initiative in celebrating big things - me taking the bar exam, me finding out I passed the bar exam, me coming back from europe, from asia, him taking his first class, him finishing his first class. Oh wait, that was my failure to celebrate his milestones. Ugh. No, no, no. I will not fall into the trap of what I could have done better or right. He was selfish. He's short, and has bad hair and an oddly shaped head. No, I will not fall into the trap of dehumanizing him, even though it's fun. He's lazy. He's got baggage. So much baggage, and he wasn't ready to fix them with me, even though I tried the damndest to fix my problems with him. He also was a poor communicator, and did things to retribute, and did things only after I did them.

I don't really want to say anymore.

I'm drained. I think this will be right in the end. There was so much good. But so much wrong. So while I think I can learn from this experience and move on, it's going to hurt and I'm going to miss him.

I was talking to a friend tonight, during one of my darkest moments. And he said I was a catch, and that I have a lot of affection and love for those people around me. And those words made me cry more than breaking up with the boy did. I needed to hear that. Not that I'm not loved. Sigh.

Some Words

2007-10-25T18:35:00.000-04:00

Work is pretty slow. I turned in an assignment - I kinda found out last minute about the deadline, but managed to get it done despite all my hemming and hawing with my BFF in town. Yay, BFF! Ever since turning it in, I've pretty much been slacking off and loving it. I took a three hour lunch yesterday and went home. After rolling in at 10:30.

I'm not too worried. Things don't count right now, and it will be busy soon enough.

Tomorrow, at work, they are holding a toast for a few people who just made partner. I started to feel like I was in a John Grisham novel as I pictured all these people in this overly-carpeted conference room, toasting one of our own. SHIVER.

The other big thing going on in my life - the boy! He came over the other night for a mini-dinner party. It was him, my BFF, and three of my bestest gay friends. He didn't have that much to say; despite what he claims, he's pretty shy. Also, it's hard when everyone else is just yammering on about this and that. My BFF liked him. More importantly, he fulfilled his boyfriend duties after making me meet two of his exes and have dinner with his mom and high school-aged sister during the last three or four weekends.

The first few weeks after I got back were kinda rough. We fought a lot, etc. But now, it's good. He was sooo good to me yesterday. He picked me up, dropped me off at my friend's house so we could watch the baseball game, and then he picked me up when I wanted to leave. Then this morning, he got up early so he could drop me off at home. It might not sound like a lot, but it's pretty nice of him and he doesn't have to do it, especially b/c I was perfectly capable of taking the T. I think he finally got the message when I kept telling him that he needed to be nicer to me.

This morning, it was cold and dreary and when the alarm went off, the sun was barely up. And we were cuddling, innocently!, and it was just ... nice. I want to say magical but that's kinda cheesy. Heh.

I'm happy. That is all.

Brilliant!

2007-10-17T07:08:00.000-04:00

Why didn't anyone think of this sooner?? Who doesn't get totally turned around after coming out of the subway, craning one's neck to find the nearest street sign for a hint of uptown/downtown, eastside/westside?

Must visit NYC!

Work and The Boyfriend

2007-10-13T09:07:00.001-04:00

Life is kinda taking me by storm. I think both work and my personal life are at ... well, both are going through important moments.

Work. Work! Sometimes, I feel like I'm playing dress-up. Sometimes, I can't wait to get out of training and do some real work. And then sometimes, like last night when I went out for drinks for the first time with my co-workers (whom I love love love love! after getting to know most of them last summer), I think, wow, we're all a bunch of childish gossip-hounds and i can't believe the future is in our hands. More or less. We took bets on who's going to be the first to leave. Everyone thinks it's me, including me. My situation is not ideal. Over the last three years, I dedicated myself to one goal. I thought I could fulfill that goal at my current job. Instead, I found out on the first day that I was locked out of my goal, put in a different department. I mean, I can still kinda fulfill my goal, but I'm thinking no more than 50%. The other 50% is probably just going to be filler. Is it going to be enough? I don't know. But not being able to fulfill my goal makes me feel like I'm back in law school, passing time until my real life starts.

My best friend said, put in 3 years, then go do something else. In the mean time, sock away your money, don't drink it all away, and then you'll be fine when you leave in 3 years. I said, if I even tried to drink away my money, I'd die. DIE!

Now, the boy. The boyfriend. Some days, he's great. On most others, I want to kill him. I mean that metaphorically of course.

Two weeks ago, and again this weekend, I'm having to go through the ordeal of meeting his ex-girlfriends. Two weeks ago, it was A, a high school girlfriend, whom he cheated on, but they were never in a serious relationship. They knew from the outset it was only a summer thing. Still, I felt threatened, I guess, b/c she was an ex and he went out to lunch with her one day without telling me. So I was nervous. Turned out, she wasn't that pretty, nor was she that interesting, but she was really nice and respectful.

This weekend, it's J. She's a senior in college, they dated about a year ago, and he broke up with her b/c she was immature and he kinda was into someone else, I think. I definitely get the immaturity. It's still awkward, though, mostly b/c this relationship meant a little more than that fling in the post-high school summer. She's also trying to pull this thing where she's trying to bond with me by sharing inside jokes about the boy. And she's trying to assert her place as the brother's best friend, and telling me that she spent all her time, at some point, at their family house. This I don't like. At one point last night, I think I gave her a dirty look. No, it wasn't dirty, it was more like, I'm not going to go there with you; this is not the kind of relationship I want to have with you; we are not going to be giggly BFFs sharing inside jokes about our commonality, who happens to be my boyfriend. No.

I'm going back there later. I had to be home to receive the table I ordered. I think it's too big for my space, but I guess it's just another in a series of poor decisions I've made about outfitting my condo.

Where Did All the Time Go? aka Fooding In Asia

2007-10-03T21:09:00.000-04:00

I've been home for over a week, but I just haven't found the time or energy to post. There's so much I want to write - mostly about the food in Taiwan, but I'll post some photos instead.

One short, interesting anecdote. The hotel we stayed at in Taipei had a huge buffet breakfast every morning. Rice porridge, miso soup, eggs, weird ham products that purported to be bacon, salad, etc. There was also yogurt and fruit. Cantaloupe, kiwi, and one morning, this white fruit with black spots, kinda like kiwi, but white and bigger. I didn't know what it was, but it didn't taste like much. Later that morning, we got in a cab to go to a restaurant, and as cab drivers and most Taiwanese people are super friendly, my dad struck up an easy conversation with the driver. We started talking about fruit, and the driver mentioned that there's this thing called dragon fruit - red on the outside, but white on inside, with black spots - that we should stay away from b/c it gives all Westerners the runs. Pshaw, I thought, I hate generalizations.

We ate lunch. After lunch, my stomach felt funny. I thought lunch wasn't agreeing with me, but when I got home, yeah, the runs. In retrospect, I think it was the dragon fruit. Kinda coincidental, no?

Onto the pictures!

A plastic food display at a restaurant outside Tokyo.

Fish-shaped fish product.

Fresh grilled little octopus.

Denny's, duh.

Traditional Japanese dinner. This is like 5 of 1000 courses we ate.

Fresh mochi, meet plush mochi!

Plastic sushi display.

Fresh papaya milk. Yum.

Night market - ENORMOUS sausages.

Night market, Taipei.

Dinner at night market - including octopus pancake.

Japan, Check

2007-09-20T08:50:00.000-04:00

This is my last night in Japan. Tomorrow, off to Taipei.

I think Tokyo is an amazing city, from what I've seen of it. It's a really cosmopolitan city. It's incredibly clean. The public transport is incredibly sophisticated. People are friendly. (According to my dad, it's just superficial, but as a tourist, it's nice to see nonetheless.) The stuff we saw outside of Tokyo was less than thrilling. We went to a few "historic" sites - traditional temples and shrines - but they're all tourist-trap recreations built in the 1970s and what not. So they look really old, but if you look closely, the construction is just a little too perfect to be ancient. I think going to Italy and seeing paintings from the 12th Century and even older buildings has jaded me just a bit. Oh, poor me.

One of the best tourist experiences I had was staying at this traditional Japanese hotel near the coast in Atami. We slept on tatame (mats). We ate dinner sitting on tatame mats. We had to wear yukata, with the right side tucked on the inside. Women had to tie their belts on the side or the back; men tie them in front. The most, erm, for lack of a better word, "unusual" part of the traditional hotel experience was the hot bath. Basically, there was an enormous room with lots of shower heads around the walls. In the center, there was a large hot bath. And we all got in, naked, and bathed, and then soaked, and bathed and soaked and bathed and soaked until the hot water and steam made our heads spin. The public nudity wouldn't have been so off-putting if my mom weren't there. And if I didn't have a nipple piercing. Which she doesn't know about. So I spent the entire time hiding my boobs, like I was ashamed or shy, whereas really, I was just trying to avoid her clucking at me.

All "unusualness" aside, between the bath and the massage I got and the cozy bed, I had one of the best nights of sleep in my life. Until my mom, for God only knows what reason, called and woke me up at 5:45am. Grr.

In other news, I found out that I de facto got the department assignment I wanted. Only because I didn't get a phone call telling me otherwise. Whew.

I just got off the phone with the boy and my heart is reeling. I can't write anymore. Nothing spectacular. I'm just overcome with emotion right now. "I just want to hear you say it." That I want him to wait for me. (Instead of hooking up with some dirty Jersey girls who are visiting his roommate.) Of course I do. I need to go to bed.

Why This Trip Was A Bad Idea

2007-09-17T05:36:00.000-04:00

Unbeknownst to me, my family decided to come to Japan a few days early, hang out in Tokyo for a few days, and then meet up with a tour group coming from America. Today, we were supposed to be at the airport by 2pm to meet the group. We got there at 1:30. Some guy noticed our name tags and told us to sit and wait. Two hours later, we were still waiting. So my dad called the tour guide, and she realized that we were left behind. Twenty minutes later, we saw her with a big sign, and she ran over to us as we beckoned, dishing out apologies like it was nobody's business. I'm pretty sure she didn't get the first one out before my mom just laid in on her. And she continued to ream her out in Chinese, noticeably audible over the din of the arrival area. The teen angst that has resurfaced aside, it was totally embarrassing. After a few minutes, my mom had crossed from righteous indignation into shrieking lunatic banshee territory. It didn't help that she had these two rice kernels from her lunch still stuck to her shirt.

When we finally got to the hotel, I went to the gym. FINALLY. I really haven't worked out, if you're curious, since before the bar exam. I've been walking around a lot on vacation, but my plans to exercise in Europe were thwarted by my broken foot. After showering, I was five minutes late meeting my family for dinner. So when I finally found them in the restaurant, they were seated at a table for four. And I had to sit like a fucking pariah at my own table. It would have been fine - I mean, if I had known, I would have brought a book or something. But for crying out loud - I was forgotten by my own fucking family.

So much teenage angst is resurfacing. It's kinda pathetic, really. I gotta get a hold of myself.

Anyway, Japan. I'm here. I'm not really sure I have that much to say. I think it would be really nice to go to an art museum and absorb some culture besides shopping and eating. But both are pretty good, I guess. My parents buy me things - jewelry, food. They even paid, more or less unknowingly, for my phone calls to the boy. :) But Tokyo is a lot like Hong Kong - just less crowded. The food, though. Oh, the food. It's amazing! Everything is delicious - snacks, noodle shops, curries, teas, pastries. I could eat forever. I'm trying not to, though. Living off the hotel food - the meals we're given - has left me really hungry! I'm like gorging myself and starving at the same time.

I really want to go home. At the same time, I really, really, really need to enjoy this while I can. It's just that ... while being in Japan is a novelty, so is the boy. And I miss him. And while my last trip brought us closer together, I feel like this one is pushing us apart.

Interlude

2007-09-13T12:41:00.000-04:00

My European vacation is over. Yeah, there are anecdotes and photographs, but those will come later.

My brief visit home is over. There are no photographs, and not really any anecdotes, but there are thoughts.

I got to see two friends from the high school days. That was so much fun. It made me feel adult and grounded. Catching up, having dessert, with two women who are successful and stable and struggle with adult things - dating, children, eek!

I spent pretty much all of the rest of my free time with the boy. I think that if I didn't, he would have broken up with me. I don't like long distance, he said. I don't even like having girlfriends I see only once a week. OK, noted. I hope I made it sufficiently clear to him that I am going to try my damndest to make sure that he's a priority of mine when I start working.

As it turned out, my last trip was good for us. He learned that he liked me and missed me - I think he's learned to appreciate me a lot more, and be a little more committed, not that he wasn't before, but ... it's just been more intense. I think it was the same for me. But yesterday, looking into this eyes, and feeling his arms around me, damn, it scared the shit out of me. I felt so much fear. Fear of falling in love, fear of declaring my love, fear of being hurt (why does he not talk to me about this one ex-girlfriend from high school he's been rekindling a friendship with? why didn't he mention that he's going to hang out with her on Saturday? why didn't he mention that he was having lunch with her all those weeks ago?), fear of losing myself (I spent all my time with him - I hardly did any laundry, didn't make those phone calls I needed to make, didn't see those friends I wanted to see).

There are so many thoughts in my head, I really just need to see what comes. Quell the doubts, because I really should not let them nag at me, because they are 90% manufactured by me. Maybe 95%. See what comes, because if this is going to be love, then let it be. Don't skip the love just because I see the other side. This might sound cheesy, but maybe the love needs to be allowed to live, even if it's for a little while.

That's all I have in me. I gotta get packin.

Next up: family vacation to Japan, Taiwan and Cambodia. This trip is either going to be really good for my family, or it's going to tear us apart. God help me, I hope it's the former.

A Brief Hello

2007-08-28T04:48:00.000-04:00

Hello. From Florence. Still. Since I met up with my friend here, I haven't really had a chance to get away and post. I suppose when I get home I will have to do a thorough post of my travels. Or barring that, I will just post a lot of photos.

Florence is amazing, but I have to say, I wouldn't live here. Maybe in the hillsides of the Chianti region, where we are going to visit tomorrow. Maybe in the Cinque Terre, along the coast, where we went yesterday. But not in Florence. It's a beautiful, historical place, but ultimately, it's just another city, and there are better cities to live in. Even Boston, if you can believe it.

That is all for now. Thursday, we're off to Greece, and I'm REALLY looking forward to that. I've somehow become a beach person. I think about laying about in the sun (or near the sun) a lot. Maybe it has something to do with my broken foot. Makes walking not that fun. so that's all for now.

Florence!

2007-08-23T05:09:00.000-04:00

I'm in Florence. The rain has followed me, and so has my traveling companion, but she doesn't get into town for another few hours, and I have another few hours before they let me into our appartmente. So off I go, wandering the streets. Again. My foot still hurts.

In Paris, my six or seven years of French study came back to me, and I could form complete sentences when dealing with a person who didn't speak English. I could also read a lot of words, and everything pretty much made sense. I even watched several hours of TV and understood what was going on.

Here, in Florence, I haven't the faintest clue! The language sounds nothing like French, and there's little resemblance. My BFF, who traveled to Italy a few years ago, told me to just wave my hands around some more if the person I'm talking to doesn't understand me. Sounds like a plan.

Oh, and the keyboard here - way more like the American keyboard. Still different, but at least all the letter keys are in the same place and I can type away, punctuation aside, with similar speed as at home.

Paris, check

2007-08-22T18:07:00.000-04:00

OK first of all, French keyboards are weird so you'll have to forgive the typos. After 3 days i've kind of gotten used to it, but not that much. This will probly be a short post b/c typing is a bitch.

Paris is, oddly, just as i remem:ber it from zhen i was here for an exchange when i was 15. I guess when these buildings have been around for hundreds of years, they're not going to change that much in 15.

The oddest thing that has happened was, on my first day, i just walked and walked and walked, trying to stay awake. when i finally decided it was a reasonable time to head back to the hotel and fall asleep, i hear a voice...excooz me...i think i went o school with you. Sure enough, she was in my corporations class last fall. CRAZY!!

Also, i've seen the mona lisa - against my better judgment, i fought the crowds in the denon wing of the louvre - and i'm never doing it again. Unless i can rent out the fucking museum and have the place to myself and maybe a hundred close friends.

It's been cold and rainy. I hate my boyfriend. I think I broke my foot. I'm really looking forward to meeting up with my friend in Florence. I forgot that I don't like traveling alone anymore. I mean, so much wine and no one to enjoy it with!!

Leaving...

2007-08-19T08:46:00.001-04:00

My flight is this afternoon. My itinerary is: Paris, Florence, Greece (Ios, Mykonos, Santorini), Barcelona. I'm so excited! I'm not sure how to pack for a three-week vacation, but I hope I've done it. And I think I've left enough room in my suitcase for souvenirs and such. :) My only concern is that I'm flying a lot of budget airlines and they have pretty strict weight limits.

As for the boy - we've been spending a lot of time together this past weekend b/c of my imminent departure. I like him, a lot. I just worry, with good reason, that he doesn't like me as much and I'm just in his life so he has a girlfriend b/c he likes having a girlfriend. I don't know. Three weeks apart will be good in a way, I guess. Sometimes, despite his being really nice and affectionate, he's a complete tool. Like, last night, I'm trying to have a conversation with him about how much we should communicate, does he want me to email, etc. And he's like, oh, crack my back. Umm. Yeah.

So that's that.

My BFF and his boyfriend will be vacationing in Spain in September. I talked to him yesterday, and we said, see you in Barcelona. Oh, so cosmopolitan!

B&B

2007-08-13T11:05:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, I seriously need to write less about the boy. But it's new and novel for me, and tremendously exciting. But I will stop.

So this weekend, I stayed at a B&B in NH. The first time I've ever stayed at a B&B. It was really gorgeous. It was in this remote part of NH - a lonesome place is not hard to find in NH - and the grounds were gorgeous. And the hills in the distance. And the firepit in the back. The room we stayed in was cozy and perfect - except for the shower in the bedroom like it was some slummy NYC apartment, just without the slum part. I guess there are erotic uses for such a shower, but trust me, I didn't take advantage of that. Besides the bathroom situation, the thing I wasn't expecting was having breakfast with other people. The first day it wasn't a problem b/c there weren't any other guests, but Sunday morning, there were 6 of us, all sharing a table and breakfast. Making small talk with strangers. True, I will have to do it for the rest of my life, but I just wasn't expecting it. Not that it was bad - it was a nice change of pace, and added a little variety to the weekend. Actually, I talked to a lot of strangers this weekend. It was just awkward trapped around this little table, each person so different, with different reasons for being there, different ideas of what to do for the day. OK, I guess it was kind of neat.

I wish I had taken pictures, but I didn't, so I will share this from their website, which obviously was not taken in August of any year.

:-D

2007-08-12T20:25:00.000-04:00

I think I just had an amazing weekend. I am in so much trouble. The boy and I went away for the weekend. And it was kinda great. I mean, it was, straight up, not kinda. It was weird. We went hiking, we went swimming, we went shopping, we had many meals together, alone, and some with other people at the B&B. We talked, we joked. He talked more than he ever has. It was weird. And by weird, I mean, well, kinda awesome. Straight up.

And just as I was starting to type this blog, he sent me an IM telling me he missed me. AAAH. I'm in so much trouble. Three weeks in Europe? They're going to be so freaking fun, but kinda hard, too.

I Hate Exes

2007-08-09T13:40:00.001-04:00

My boyfriend (I'm starting to get used to saying that) is having lunch with his ex-girlfriend right now.

Yeah, it did strike me as unusual that he scheduled his work for so early this morning, considering he never goes to work before 10, hardly, and usually calls the shots when it comes to scheduling his jobs. And it was nice when he called me this afternoon as I was out running errands. But when I called him 15 minutes later to see if he had lunch plans, that was when he mentioned it. "I'm having lunch with an old high school friend of mine. She's in town for an interview. That's why I schedule the job early today."

He's told me about this girl. He has alternately referred to her as his high school friend, his ex-girlfriend, and the girl he cheated on. I think. And I know he has texted her late on a Saturday night while he was out, continuing the conversation when he got to my place. (No, I didn't take to that too kindly.) While he was I find it slightly unusual that he didn't mention this lunch date to me, I guess I don't tell him about everything either. I am slightly concerned that when telling me about this lunch date, he referred to her as "my high school friend".

Really, I should encourage his friendships because he doesn't have many of those around here. I just wish he would cultivate more friendships that didn't involve exes. Furthermore, I have every reason to trust him, except for the fact that he's a guy. And third, the paranoia is totally on my end.

So I guess I'm writing about it here in case the shit hits the fan and I can say, this is where it all went south. Except I don't really expect it to, but I'm still nervous. Ugh. I hate baggage.

Pit Stop Blog 2

2007-08-06T02:42:00.001-04:00

First of all, it really wasn't that bad. But it didn't start out that great. It was SO humid on Friday morning, and the T made me late to catch my bus to NY so I could catch my second bus to the beach. By the time I got to the bus station, I was at the end of a very long line that kept getting longer. And I didn't make my bus, and the next one was an hour later. The bus station was not air conditioned and my back was like a swimming pool, so the choices were throwing a temper tantrum in the bus station, or spending way more money than I needed to buy a train ticket. So I bought a train ticket. I don't even want to tell you how much it all cost, but if I kept my rental car, things would have been SOOOOO much cheaper.

The train ride was so peaceful. The people are so much more civilized and there is just so much more room. I don't know why I would ever bother with the bus. And if your schedule is flexible, the train is only $20 more than the bus.

When I got to the final bus station on the other end, the Boy informed me that he was stuck in traffic 20 miles away. He said, well, you can wait for me, or someone can come pick you up. Seeing as how he was 10 miles north of the exit we needed to go to, and I was 10 miles south, the best solution was to have someone pick me up, despite my best efforts to avoid this outcome. It ended up being his mom and grandma. I nearly had a heart attack waiting for them to get there.

But the weekend ended up being great. His family is amazing. So welcoming, so outgoing, so funny, so fun! HIs grandfather is probably my favorite. He's just got this sense of humor I love. And he's really sweet and not as garrulous and overwhelming as some of his uncles. My second favorite relative was his grandparents' dog.

So yeah, I have realized that I am most at ease with pets and young children. They don't judge. They aren't deciding if you're good enough for their son / cousin / nephew. If you pet them or if you're fun and talk to them like an adult, then they'll like you. So yeah, I hit it off with his grandparents' dog and with his youngest cousin, who's entering the 8th grade.

Also, I think things went well. As we were leaving, his mom told me, I told [the Boy] I hope I get to see you again! And she gave me a hug and a kiss. Yikes. I just nodded.

Then we came back to Boston after an excruciatingly long car ride, and we went to my friend's going away party. He was amazing. I mean, for a guy who's shy and not very outgoing when sober.

I'm going to miss him while I'm away. Hell, I already do.

I think that the bar exam shut me down emotionally. I'm not sure if I've talked about this, but I mean, during month or two before the bar exam, after the first few weeks of dating the boy, I just felt dead inside. I felt nothing for him, none of the butterflies or the nervous pangs that would wash over me. Last week, I felt a slight twitter. Then this weekend, I've been incapacitated, knees weakened by these waves of emotion. I really felt it last night when we were going to bed. We were in the attic full of beds, his uncle and his mom and his brother sharing this large room with us. But they were all asleep b/c we had gotten back late, and I was about to roll over in the dark when he was suddenly there, kissing me good night. I couldn't sleep even though I was so tired, just from the jolt of excitement. Oh my gosh. And that's that.

Next up: trip home to see the fam, then another short jaunt to the cape, then a week and half puttering around the condo and preparing for my big European vacation. I was supposed to go to China in late September with my parents, but they don't want to go there anymore b/c they're afraid of poisoned food. We were going to go to Europe, but my parents decided on Asia instead - Japan, Cambodia, Taiwan... I'm SO EXCITED! But also tired. Also, too tan.

Long Walk

2007-08-03T06:53:00.000-04:00

I am not pleased that I got up at 6am. Nor am I pleased with this funny feeling I've got. Crap, I haven't been this nervous since the first and last time I auditioned for a musical ... in 7th grade! Augh!

Pit Stop Blog

2007-08-03T00:48:00.000-04:00

I just spent four days at the Cape, and am now home for the night before I catch two buses to go to the shore. Let me tell you a little bit about what I'm going to do this weekend, and you might understand why I am STILL awake, fretting about what to pack and how to pack it and clipping my toenails and plucking my eyebrows.

I am going down to spend the weekend with the boy...and his grandparents, his brother, his brother's best friend who also happens to be an ex-girlfriend, his mom, and probably some uncles and cousins...if I'm lucky. There's nothing really special going on; he is just a family guy and normally spends a lot of time down there. There may or may not be some big party on Saturday night. It's a bit unclear b/c he kind of mentioned some big family get-together party that coincides with some road race through town, and he's trying to play this off as not a big deal, but let's face it, I'm meeting the family and it's kind of a big deal. Because if it doesn't go well, it's not good. (On the other and, if it does go well, it's not exactly sealing any deal. Sounds an awful lot like a lose-lose situation....)

Anyway. My question to you is ... AM I RELIVING THE SUMMER OF 2006??? Just without the big fat paychecks and the endless nights out on the town, and the two- and three-timing. But more or less, this is my life last summer ALL OVER AGAIN. Yeesh.

If this doesn't work out, I'm dating an orphan next time.

If you've got any happy thoughts left over from the bar exam, please send them this way. At the very least, I seriously hope I don't get any more sunburned. I'm feeling quite warm already. but I've never been so excited about a tan line before. I normally don't care to be tan - during the course of the summer, I naturally darken from my assorted outdoor activities. But last week, I looked at myself and realized that I am pasty! Pasty yellow! So I kind of made it my mission to get tan this week at the cape. Done and done!

Ugh, I need to get to bed. Don't need bags under my eyes too!

...

2007-07-30T08:25:00.000-04:00

I changed my MySpace relationship status to "In a Relationship". It made me feel silly and awkward inside.

Saturday night, I referred to the boy as my "boyfriend". With air quotes and all.

Wow. What the hell is wrong with me?

The Other Side

2007-07-29T08:32:00.000-04:00

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!

I MADE IT!!!

Here's the skinny on the bar exam: it wasn't THAT hard. Which worries me. And which probably explains the dreams I've been waking up to at 5 am, in a panic, trying to remember everything that I learned, or at least not forget it, and realizing some mistake I made on the exam, or something I could have written. Those have not been pleasant. I think last night I finally drank enough booze to get through the night.

Anyway, back to the bar exam. It really was about endurance. I was so tired, especially after the second day. Sitting there for 6 hours, reading 200 multiple choice questions, fighting the urge to put my head down and sleep. After the first day, which I took in Albany, I was so ecstatic and relieved I downed a quarter pounder at McDonald's and smoked two cigarettes. Writing the NY exam, however, left my wrist in such a state that it was tired just filling in the circles for my name the next day. Actually, that's inaccurate. My name is only 9 letters long. It was filling in the bubbles for the empty spaces after my name that was a killer. I'm pretty sure I now have carpal tunnel. From handwriting. It would explain the odd pain shooting up my arm.

So then the third day, I did the exam for my state. After that, I just wanted to get wasted. Which I didn't really do. Five drinks in and I was feeling so weird. The sensation was so unfamiliar and I didn't know how to deal with it. And I left the bar to meet up with the boy.

The boy. Oh, the boy. I don't really know what to say.

On the one hand, it's kind of annoying that yesterday, wanting to do something spontaneous like going to the beach, he just wasn't into the idea. Partly just b/c HE wasn't into it and partly, I suspect, because he's just a bum. Which ended up being fine b/c I'm going to spend the next week at the beach and the beach bores me. Which ended up being fine b/c laying on the couch all day watching movies was nice, too. We considered going to the museum (o' science) but the heat / humidity and the thought of ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS was too much. (Sorry!)

On the other hand, so much of what is hard about the relationship is my baggage. It's hard WORKING through problems instead of letting the problems break the deal. It's also hard trusting. Not him, b/c he's SO easy to trust, even as he sits there at 1 am txting some other girl somewhere in the city who, apparently, he used to date. Umm. Yeah, I do trust him then. It's just so easy to fall into this self-pity mode, this anxiety mode, this mode of worrying that he's cheating or going to cheat on me, but that's only b/c I'm so used to that mode it's like putting on a worn, broken-in pair of jeans. Because when I stop to think about it, he IS trustworthy, and I can't let me emotions or doubts take over. His joking about breaking up with me in a few weeks don't help. Not really funny! Lately, his jokes have taken on a tone where I think, hmm, you might be joking, but that's also partly what you're thinking. He's probably just poking at my insecurities, though.

Also, if he were just a bit less selfish and a little more talkative, I might fall in love with him lickety-split. :-0 For a few weeks, I was feeling kind of dead inside and ambivalent about the whole relationship. I know it was bar-related; I think it was because spending time with him meant time I was not studying, so that fear replaced any emotions I had for him. Yesterday, as we were lazing about, I got those pangs again, those waves of emotion that washed over me that started somewhere in my toes, made me knees a little weak, fluttered about in my stomach before hitting my head and making me realize that hey, whatever other crap there is, this is a good thing here. It was like, whoa. Also, yesterday, for the first time, I referred to the boy as my boyfriend. That was also like, WHOA.

My next goal: ask him about two things in his life that I'm afraid of broaching - his dad, and his time in the Army. So yeah, the boy went straight from high school into the Army and just got out over 18 months ago, in the midst of an Iraq tour. Yeah, WHOA. I want to know so much about it, but the only time I've ever brought it up was when we were drunk when we first met. It's ridiculous that MY baggage keeps me from asking him about that.

So that's that. I'm off to the beach for the week!!

A Snippet

2007-07-22T08:42:00.001-04:00

It kind of felt like things were off track, derailed. By drunken words, by bar exam stress that's skewing what semblance of sanity I had. It feels like things are back on track. I'm not sure where the track is headed, but it's nice to be on it. And that's that.

Today I am heading to Albany; the exam is on Tuesday. Starts on Tuesday. The hotel we're staying at has a minimum three day reservation, so we thought, hey, mini vacay! There's apparently a pool. Ooh, better pack my sunscreen!

Probably see you on the other side of hell. AKA bar exam. Ack! Happy thoughts, prayers, wishes this way please!

Stories from the Public Library

2007-07-20T15:58:00.001-04:00

I've been studying at the public library in town. It's a beautiful place to study. It's nice and cool. Quiet, but not too quiet, with the perfect amount of white noise.

The first time I studied there was 1L year, and some smelly homeless guy sat near me and made it really hard to concentrate. I've been going there off an on since then, but have really been spending a lot of time there this summer. I'm starting to recognize people - regular homeless people, the other people from my bar review course, med students, etc.

Several weeks ago, while I was there alone, a man sat down across from me. He had, among other things, a locked yellow toolbox, a laptop computer, and a stuffed raccoon. Not a formerly live raccoon, but a plush one. The raccoon made me think he was kind of weird, but he didn't smell, so he didn't really bother me...

...Until I noticed out of the corner of my eye him grabbing the raccoon, holding it close to him, smelling it, petting it, all while looking at me.

I did my best to ignore him. I've seen him at the library a few times since then, including once last week when he sat next to me again. I left soon afterwards however.

Today, he sat by me again. I did my best to ignore him, but kind of thought, hey, maybe I have a stalker. Not with any seriousness, although the coincidence of him sitting by me three times, out of the four times I've seen him at the library, did not escape me.

About an hour or two after his arrival, as I was fidgeting with my bag o' flashcards on the table, he looked at me again, grabbed his raccoon, and started petting and sniffing it. I think I lasted another 20 minutes before I got the rock outta there.

I guess there's one reason to be grateful that the bar exam will be over in less than a week - I won't have to see Raccoon Guy anymore. Too bad it wasn't the cute guy reading classic lit that's been sitting next to me.

Speaking of which, I have been completely unstable. I'll be really, really glad to get this bar exam over with and able to deal with my intimacy issues, without the added complication of bar exam stress. I'm seriously not able to function, and had a near meltdown today. :( Usually, I can keep it together fairly well. I think. I mean, more so than a lot of other people around me. But for some reason, my strength has been compromised. Also, I've noticed a serious spike in my appetite. That is, when I don't forget to feed myself, which I did the other day. Totally forgot to eat. Weird. Also, I've taken up smoking. In fact, I'm going for a smoke right now. I should set some ground rule, such as, once I finish this pack, no more. Sigh.

Darling When I See You, I See Me

2007-07-19T21:14:00.000-04:00

The boy came over last night and I cooked him dinner. It was nearly a disaster. I dropped the chicken, the green beans came out crappy. I'd like to think that I'm off b/c of the bar exam, and maybe yeah I was crunched for time, but I suspect that I'm normally this klutzy and all over the place.

I had a nice time with the boy, which was nice after the last interaction left me ... dissatisfied. It's weird that not being around him (for 4 days?!) made me so unsure. Yet today ... it's good. I think I felt him kinda pulling away. Maybe he IS pulling away. Maybe it's just the initial excitement and desire to see each other constantly wearing off and mellowing into something ... more certain. Maybe it's just the bar exam that's making me nutty. I guess we'll see. I'm hoping that after the bar exam we can be a little bit more ... active and exciting. And not just catching a few hours here and there in the evening after I'm done studying.

It's interesting...he's not very talkative, and, well, if you know me at all, I am. And talking, not for the sake of talking, but communicating, is important to me. I like how he tries. We watched this movie last night, and I kinda didn't like it. I mean, I didn't hate it, I just didn't think it was very good. And he did. So I wanted to figure out what qualifies as "bad" for him. And at first he didn't really want to answer, but I think he sort of saw my frustration with trying to make a conversation, and he tried. It was ... cute. That word is a little trite, but I can't think of anything better. Suffice it to say, I found it charming.

As far as the bar exam...I know I'm learning stuff. At this point, I'm just scared that everything that's going to be on it is something I don't know. ACK! Back to studying!

Who Are You?

2007-07-19T13:07:00.001-04:00

Why won't you tell me???

I Can't Wait Until After the Bar Exam When I Can Be a Normal(ish) Human Being Again

2007-07-15T14:00:00.001-04:00

Part of the fun of fleeting hookups is that it's all fun and laughter and pleasure. There's none of the grumpiness and sweatiness of hot Sunday mornings and inefficient air conditions and dirty dishes. None of the mundaneness of getting the bike tire fixed.

Does that make me a guy??? Except for the psycho bitch part.

???

2007-07-13T17:55:00.000-04:00

You're the University of Illinois!

With a taste for cities and bubbly alcohol, you might at first seem to be rather cosmopolitan. In reality, though, you're a bit of a hick trying to adapt to higher class tastes. You might be able to build most anything from the ground up, but you hide some dubious skeletons in your closet. With a tinge of lingering racism and a penchant for hazing, you have a lot to work on for self-improvement. On the plus side, you were the first to go home again, proving that you can.

Take the University Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I resurrected myself on Facebook, but I'm blogging anyways. My eyes are crossing with all the multiple choice questions I'm doing. UGH.

It's Time for Some Pictures That I Did Not Take

2007-07-11T23:51:00.000-04:00

This picture moves me. There's something so innocent and loving about this. Nothing like the sibling relationships I had growing up.

This picture fills me with awe, the awe I imagine he's feeling. To so love trains and then to see so many that are so big and so huge. Ack! Fantasies coming true! Who knows what goes on in his head when he's playing! So different than fantasizing about, say, your stuffed animals coming to life. My friend told me the other day that when she was 8, she happened to read a newspaper that said 8 aliens were caught in Texas. She was very troubled that the visitors from another planet were not allowed to roam free.

I have facebook suicided, again, but this time in the hopes of not wasting so much time. This will probably mean that I will blog more. Ack! Bar exam!

..

2007-07-10T00:03:00.000-04:00

But then again, I think I need to learn to forgive and relearn trust. People are not perfect. I'm not perfect. I will never find a perfect man. Not even a perfect friend. And I can't stick a fork in it just because I've been hurt. That is not a legitimate reason. This is not legitimate distrust. He is so very trustworthy, and before we even started dating, he was that way. So I need to quit it. Make a choice. Mind over heart.

In other news, there has been a lot of news stories about free lunches. (Well, by a lot I mean the NY Times and the Metro.) When I was a kid, I would spend summers with my aunt in Queens. Sometimes I was there to babysit her kids while she worked. Sometimes I was there b/c I loved her since she more or less raised me. I also loved her kids. Anyway, we used to walk blocks and blocks in the summer heat and go to these public schools in Queens. And we'd get our lunches in these trays with the compartments. Tater tots were always my favorite. And we'd get the little pints of whole milk. And I thought it was wonderful.

I never knew that it was something she did to save money. Or that other people in the room were there to fight off starvation, or to make dollars stretch a little further.

.

2007-07-09T18:38:00.000-04:00

Frankly, I think it's doomed. This is not good. My head is too crazy.

Mas

2007-07-08T23:29:00.000-04:00

...

"I'm not head-over-heels for you, I'm not in love with you. But I like you and I want to see where this goes."

"That's dating."

"Yes."

"I do too."

"Usually, I date girls who are my friends already, so I don't have to guess or figure out whether something is going to work. I have a good idea."

"So why did you ask me out?"

"Because even though I don't remember the exact words I said to you, I remember having a good time with you. And I wanted to see what would happen."

...

"So what can I do to fix this? To make you feel better?"

"I don't know."

...

...

...

"Well, if you could just, you know, I know you're not looking or expecting to meet anyone, but if you do, could you just have the decency not to hook up with her and then break up with me?"

"That's what I was trying to say the other night. Just not so clearly."

"Oh."

"I wouldn't do that to you. If this doesn't work out, I still want to be friends with you."

(Insert some muddled sentences where I'm trying to say that I'm being vulnerable and it's hard and that I have baggage.)

"What?"

"Nothing."

...

...

"We OK?"

"Yes."

"C'mere."

"Why?"

"Because I want to give you a hug."

"Oh."

...

"So, there was jello wrestling last night, huh?"

"Yup."

"It must take a long time to make all that jello."

"Not really. Get some industrial-sized containers of jello and it jelloifies really quickly."

"Oh."

...

"Well, last night, at the party I went to, there were a lot of transvestites."

"Did you sleep with any of them?"

"Umm, no."

"Good. B/c you're only allowed to sleep with other women. And then you have to let me watch."

...

So I guess I'm in some place where I'm OK with this. I cannot break up with him three weeks (?) before the bar exam. At the same time, it came close. And if it weren't for the bar, I think I would have called it quits. But I like him. And I sort of like dating. Today was a bit of a wake up call, too. I think I've been selfish with him, partly b/c I think I thought that he liked me a lot more than I liked him. And I know he likes me, but I think I've caught up.

He's amazing in his own way. Incredibly patient and kind. I think he tries really hard to be a good boyfriend or whatever he is. And a good friend, and a good son, and a good brother, and a good grandson, and a good nephew, and a good cousin. He's a good person. How do I not give that a chance?

At the same time, I was at church this morning, and, like at every other service, towards the end, someone from the prayer team comes up and tells us visions or images of people they think need prayer. And if one of the images or visions speaks to you, you can go get prayer. Well, the last thing the woman said was, If you are in love with someone you should not be in love with. I refused to believe it was me. I don't love him. Not in that romantic way.

I should be able to break up with him b/c God should be enough for me. But I know I am weak and too emotionally f'ed up to do that. Also, I like this. Most of the time.

If I Fail the Bar, This Is Why

2007-07-07T12:54:00.000-04:00

I should tell you ... no, you should ask me in the morning when we're not drunk.

No, you can't do that. Now you have to tell me.

...

...

OK. There are about two girls in this world that I would break up with you for right now.

...

One lives in Germany...

Why are you telling me this?

You told me to.

No...why are you telling me this? You know I've got baggage with this.

...

We need to go.

OK.

(Walking.)

(Stopped.)

No, we need to stop and talk about this right now. Why did you tell me that? That was really hurtful.

I know, but...I don't know.

Does this mean you could never like me as much as you like them?

No.

Well then why did you tell me? Because that was really hurtful and I don't expect you to like me the most right now, it's a process. But that just hurt.

I know, I'm sorry. It was stupid.

(Walking.)

To make a long story short, when we got to his place, he told me every fucking gory detail. How he was dating this girl and then went to Germany and this woman told him she had feelings for him and that threw him for such a loop that he had to come home and break up with the girl. Who is now in his life as a very close friend. And then there was some other girl he was going to date, but some other girl told him she liked him or something, but that never came to fruition, but still, he didn't have the emotional wherewithal to actually date that girl. He never did make it clear why he told me, although he did mention something about how we weren't friends first, and usually he dates girls who are friends, and who kind of know this stuff about him. Or something.

And I'm fucking gutted.

But he was being honest, and I guess if he's going to say anything, I'm grateful for the truth. But why did he do that? My friend who has known him for a while says he likes to stir shit up. And he did do this about 30 minutes after I remarked to him that we've been dating for a month.

This morning, I was ok. But then I saw him messaging some girl on MySpace and I just lost it. If I could have jumped out the window, I would have. And I told him the night before, during the long ill-fated conversation, that I wanted to run. And he said he knew. That he could see that look in my eyes. And I also told him, too, that sometimes I don't know if he likes me, because he seems to have no interest in who I am, and that's why I was giving him such a hard time about it. But this morning, I just freaked out. And I got out as fast as I could, before the coffee he was brewing for me was finished.

"But I made it for you."

But I was scared, and I ran.

"Hey."

"What?"

"Where are you going?"

"This is the way out, isn't it?"

"Yes, but you're running away."

(Yeah, I am.) "I need to go."

Smooch, smooch. "I'll call you on Monday...after you finish studying."

(Yeah, and I'll probably break up with you.) "Yeah, ok. Bye."

I don't know if I'm going to break up with him. I mean, I think it's almost impossible to find someone WITHOUT baggage. Hell, hello, I've got some, too! And I know he knows it, but there are hurtful ways of unloading it, and there are delicate, hey, let's get closer kinds of ways. And he noted, too, that he may have destroyed all the trust I had for him. That glorious, glorious trust!

I can't concentrate.

Thus, if I fail the bar, I'm blaming him. I'm probably going to fail the bar. At least one of them.

Teeter Totter

2007-07-05T10:27:00.000-04:00

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a girl?

I cheated on a girlfriend once.

...

It was in high school. Her best friend wouldn't keep her hands off me and whenever my girlfriend left the room, she would keep trying to unzip my pants. One day, I was hungover and finally gave in.

(Thoughts swimming.)

She didn't find out about it for a while, and then she did, and we weren't friends for a long time, but we are now.

...

It wasn't a very serious relationship. And I wouldn't do that anymore. And if it did happen, I'd just break up with you the next day.

(Is that supposed to be better?)

...

...

What about you? What's the worst thing you've ever done to a guy?

...

...

I once told my boyfriend, I guess we were sort of dating, that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore.

That's not a bad thing; that's telling the truth.

...

...

Hey, let's talk about something else.

I think I'm at a point where losing him would be more painful than a relief. And now it's something I'm afraid of. I don't like this reversal of power. (I use power loosely; I know relationships aren't about power, but it's a good way to encapsulate what I mean.)

Last night, I took him to a party. And he was perfect. It wasn't a test, but...it was a little. My BFF said, you guys need to go out and interact, and not be holed up in your own little world, b/c your relationships tend to be like that. So this was a good party to go to. I didn't know a lot of the people there, but enough of my good friends were there, including one of his friends. There was an amazing view of the fireworks to make up for any social shortcomings. He was great. If anything, I suck at not being able to include him in conversations. I don't know how to talk to him AND someone else. But he made conversation with my friends.

As for the conversation above, which happened earlier in the night as we were having dinner...I trust him. So much. More than I should, and more than I've trusted anyone in a long time. The fears I have are not due to him, but just ... due to life. Due to the fact that I have FEELINGS for him, and he was that power over me. I am vulnerable. Yikes.

More Thought

2007-07-04T10:50:00.000-04:00

Here's one popular vision for saving the planet: Roll out from under the sumptuous hemp-fiber sheets on your bed in the morning and pull on a pair of $245 organic cotton Levi’s and an Armani biodegradable knit shirt.

Stroll from the bedroom in your eco-McMansion, with its photovoltaic solar panels, into the kitchen remodeled with reclaimed lumber. Enter the three-car garage lighted by energy-sipping fluorescent bulbs and slip behind the wheel of your $104,000 Lexus hybrid.

Drive to the airport, where you settle in for an 8,000-mile flight— careful to buy carbon offsets beforehand — and spend a week driving golf balls made from compacted fish food at an eco-resort in the Maldives.

This was from a NY Times article on Sunday called "Buying Into the Green Movement" by Alex Williams. It reminded me a lot of No Logo, by Naomi Klein. Her point in that book was, to be trite, branding is bad. Towards the end of the book, she wrote, I'm not going to create a shopping guide for you. That is exactly what has happened with environmentalism today. We shop at Whole Foods, buy organic, drive hybrids...but that's missing the point! As someone in the article said, true environmentalism is buying LESS. The article was a good wake up call.

Something I've gotten into lately is Freecycle. It's awesome. Every day I get like 30 emails from people who want stuff and who are giving stuff away. Before the move, I gave away bookcases, air conditioning units (boy did I regret that when we had those 90+ degree days), flower pots and soil. I got almost all my moving boxes. I wish I could have given more away. I wish I could go and pick up that dresser someone is giving away!

The point is, I hope I'm recharged, redirected, recommitted. I should consider turning my computer off when I sleep at night, which I do often, but not consistently. Did you know 4% of energy use in the US goes to power televisions! Yikes!

Reading Is Fun-damental

2007-07-01T17:36:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday's Metro (the free daily paper) was nothing short of hilarious. First, there's a picture of flooding in Central Texas - there are three guys sitting on folding chairs in the middle of a two-lane road, floodwater lapping at their toes, with fishing rods in hand or nearby and a cooler between them. A fourth guy is casting a net into the muddy waters. On another page, there was a story about a man who was arraigned here in Boston for allegedly harassing and assaulting women and children on the Esplanade. OK, that's not very funny. But what was funny was that he was first booked under a name - Rearlimgigeazr Eshiesycapilla - until the cops realized that it was made up. What gave it away?? There's also a quote in this story, set off, in big blue letters, that says, "I believe he has mental health issues and seems to be preoccupied with sex." Who isn't, I ask??

There was other funny stuff, but it's not worth recounting.

I'm starting to feel at home in my new home!! Will try and post pictures when things aren't so chaotic and I'm not pilfering a neighbor's wireless.